espiritista

Ending

2007-08-23T21:46:00.000-07:00

There is no perfect life, only perfect moments.

What better reason to end all of this? :)

Gone soft

2007-08-22T19:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have suddenly found myself liking Joey Albert songs. Used to be that I just dismissed her as music of my titas. But now, I'm checking this out:

http://www.joeyalbert.com/

I don't know why, but just hearing her voice again after all those years of headbanging to grunge music and pinoy alternative sort of woke up some latent childhood memories in me, when my aunts would listen to her on the radio.

And now that I got all of thirty years worth of experiences, I just know when a song's lyrics is top notch. Just look at how poignant these words are:

Sa bawat pag-ikot ng ating buhay
May oras na tayo'y kailangang maghiwalay
Puso'y lumaban man, walang magagawa
Saan pa, kailan ka muling mahahagkan?

Kulang man sa 'tin itong sandali
Alam ko na tayo'y magkikitang muli
Hangga't may umaga pa na haharapin
Ikaw lang ang mamahalin

Two short verses, man, and it's a complete song! Add Joey Albert's voice and you feel the hurt and hope floating there somewhere between the lines, between the notes. It is so heartfelt it becomes a prayer.

Conversely, I am starting to hate the juvenile music of Parokya ni Edgar. It's as if they forgot to grow up! And please, what is the point of another greatest hits compilation?

They say middle age for guys comes when they start to get more "in touch" with their feminine side. Where's my Rage Against the Machine when I need it?

Kids

2007-08-21T23:34:00.000-07:00

They come into your life and you think you can handle them. You like to think you've prepared yourself well for them, made all the mental calculations on the budget, all the psychological preparations on what to do to pacify a wailing little human being, all the medical situations that can leave you sleepless and all that.

Good luck to you and what you have done.

Then they start growing up. They start asking you questions. They start developing personalities and quirks. You think you know where they got this penchant for gross stuff like booger and saliva. You think you know who they took their good looks from, but don't know exactly where they got their explosive temper. You find out you can't control how their behavior develops. You start to realize your kids are not your own flesh. They are different from you.

Then you look back at your own life and realize that this is just the start. Someday, your kids will leave you, too.

Coming full circle

2007-08-20T19:13:00.000-07:00

Ever felt the feeling that after all that's happened, after everything that you've done to make progress, after all that you've given up to make things better, suddenly you feel that you're back to where it all began?

First things first. No short cuts. Everything comes back, like your turn to answer in a game show. You just hope that when it does, you're ready for it, and you can give a better account of yourself.

Some thoughts to share to someone just in case someone needed it

2007-08-15T02:17:00.000-07:00

If I die today and I can leave a few last thoughts to my kids, lines that I have proved in my life to be true and which I want them to treasure as their own, they would be these lines:

1. To gain respect, exceed expectations.
2. To gain territory, grab it with both hands. Nobody will give it to you.
3. Sex is fun. Until you start thinking of babies.
4. The "ideal kids" you think of don't exist. It's similar to the "Ideal Wife/Husband." It's really just wishful thinking.
5. A reputation for integrity is the single most powerful asset any person can have. It is more powerful than a college degree, an office title, good looks, or intelligence. When a man with integrity speaks, absolutely everybody listens, including the GM.
6. You can't change anybody else. Change comes from within the person. He must first want to change before anyone can help him change.
7. Miracles really do happen. Period.
8. The faintest hope is more powerful than even the darkest of darkest despair. Even sometimes when love fails all around you, hope is enough to make you move on.
9. Agnosticism is the sorriest state of (dis)belief, not atheism. It is despicable in its laziness.
10. There is a God. And He can crack really funny jokes sometimes.

surrendering

2007-08-09T22:26:00.000-07:00

ever felt like giving up? that the good fight isn't worth it?

any crusade is only as good as its cause.

so what is a crusade's only enemy? it is not defeat in battle. crusaders will die if need be, but they will die with honor.

the only enemy is despair.

tHAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT IT!

2007-08-09T18:58:00.000-07:00

We' ve been friends for a long time ago. We come from the same alma mother.Actually, our paths crossed one time on another. But it's only now that Igave him a second look. I realized that beauty is in the eyes. The pulpbits of my heart went fast, really fast. Cute pala siya. And then, he came overwith me. He said, "I hope you don't mine. Can I get your number?" Nag-worryako. What if he doesn't give it back? He explained naman na it's so we could keep intact daw. Sabi ko, connect me if i'm wrong but are you askingme ouch? Nabigla siya. Sagot niya, The! Aba! Parang siya pa ang galit!Persona ingrata!!! Ang kapal niya! I cried buckles of tears.Na-guilty yata siya. Sabi niya, isipin mo na lang na this is a blessing inthe sky. Irregardless daw of his feelings, we'll go ouch na rin. Now, we'reso in love. Mute and epidemic na ang past. Thanks God we swallowed our fried. Kasi, I'm 33 na and I'm running our time. After 2 weeks, he ploppedthe question. "Will you marriage me?" I'm in a state of shocked. Kasimantakin mo, when it rains, it's four! This is true good to be true. So siyempre, I said yes. Love is a many splendor.Pero nung inaayos ko na ang aming kasal, everything swell to pieces.Nag-di-dinner kami noon nang biglang sa harap ng aming table, may babaenghumirit ng, "Well, well, well. Look do we hav e here." What the fuss! The nerd ng babaeng yon! She said they were still on. So I told her, whateveris that, cut me some slacks! I didn't want this to get our hand kaya I hadto sip it in the bud. She accused me of steeling her boyfriend. Ats if! I don't want to portrait the role of the other woman. Gosh, tell me to themarines! I told her, "please, mine you own business!" Who would believe heranyway?Dahil it's not my problem anymore but her problem anymore, tumigil na rin siya ng panggugulo. Everything is coming up daisies. I'm so happy. Even myboyfriend said liketwice. He's so supportive. Sabi niya, "Look at is thisway. She's our of our lives."Kaya advise ko sa inyo - take the risk. You can never can tell. Just burn the bridge when you get there. Life is shorts. If you make a mistake, we'lljust pray for the internal and external repose of your soul. I secondemotion.

what's so great, you ask?

2007-07-30T23:00:00.000-07:00

finally me and the missus got to watch the cinemalaya film festival on its last day last Saturday. watched Endo (JD Castro) and Pisay (Aureus Solito) and was pleasantly surprised by how good they were. especially Pisay. I always knew Aureus Solito was a good visual storyteller. i was just afraid the film would be like Gawad Kalinga's films: sincere and honest, but well, propaganda. it was nice to really see that the film could be appreciated even by non-Pisay people.

so what's so great the last few days? it feels really good that finally i'm writing in my blog again. this is actually my blog's third year, but you'd never guess with the thinness of the posts. i look back and see that there have been pockets, months on end when i wouldn't post anything. i thought then that i wouldn't mind, but now i see that i sort of wonder whatever happened to me during those gaps. what was i thinking? how did i see myself, or the people around me? i can never really know for sure now.

i have lots of storylines in my head at any given time than i care to admit. like everytime i cross the busy domestic airport road in front of the office, my mind always goes into overdrive, seizing all those movie scenes i've seen where people get run over by cars. "Meet Joe Black" is a particular reference point: i guess i have work cut out for me to make myself as handsome as Brad Pitt in the event that some asshole runs me over. and oh yes, i can be gothic and vain at the same time.

in a few months i'll be thiry years old. three decades, man, three fucking decades. when i was ten i thought thirty year olds were ancient. now, the next person who'd say thirty is "advanced" is a candidate for castration-by-jeff.

take stock, take stock. count your blessings. live your life well and without malice. never give up, never give in. love like you've never been hurt before. la vita y bella rather than c'est la vie.

cliches, man, cliches. good at rhymes, bite-size chunks of wisdom, popular wisdom. easy to spew out, easy to chew on. for the madly in love, cliches explain everything. for the grief-stricken, cliches can save their sanity. but if the medium is the message, cliches and love songs tell us that the message can still be valid, given the right circumstances.

so i have learned never to take cliches for granted.

what else? ahhh...i don't like to travel much now. i'd much rather just stay home and play with the kids. or play Zuma. or wait for evening prayer time to come. for the rains to come. nothing much, nothing so significant. one time, me and the wifey just went to bayside and ate some fishballs till the sun set. total budget was around 50 bucks. but it was a blast!

i realize my life has been one hard life. getting married early and raising a family when i myself could help a little more raising, hehe. moving from one place to another, one job to another. lettign go of several dreams along the way, but finding out worthier new dreams to hang on to along the way. losing some friends, relatives, mentors.

i also realize i've had an amazingly lucky life. being at the right place and time to get scholarships, and later on, jobs. having absolutely loyal and loving friends and family. being blessed with the most beautiful kids one could ever wish for (okay maybe, a little less kulit would be useful, but where's the fun in that? hehe). finding a truly good person to be my wife.

even in times when i messed up, somehow, out of luck or sheer stubbornness, i've always been able to recover. "to live only by grace" can only half-explain it!

what's so great you ask? i am going to tell you and you listen well: what's great, my friend, is that after all, we can still become better persons, despite even ourselves.

si ate ay may syotang puti

2007-07-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

somebody ought to study the emerging phenomenon of mass intermarriage between pinays and caucasians.

the internet is such a wild place. but given that internet cafes and sites don't have any way to monitor these web-based meeting places, there is a fairly high chance of someone somewhere getting sucked into some sort of exploitative situations.

both sides try to be as nice as possible. there may even be a good percentage of people meeting truly nice acquaintances. but for every good chance, how many more do so for easy pleasure, or easy bucks?

it is true that when people fall in love, it distinguishes neither age, nor creed, nor in this phenomenon, race. but why is it that many caucasian men love asian women in ways that confuse even asian men?

for their exoticism. women in the orient are viewed as pre-moral, that is, they freely commit of themselves to their men without pre-conceived notions of morality. in other words, without guilt, and without hassles. this is an assumption that comes from the east having produced such cultural icons as the kamasutra, and the geisha. add to this the fact that the west's economic superiority also means that the men almost always can assume the role of "breadwinner/provider" to the women's family with relative "ease."

what results is a quick relationship whose roots, reasons and future can be labyrinthine. multiplied by sheer number, the potential disaster of this social minefield can indeed have a huge impact on our society.

what impacts? of course, there's human trafficking. there's HIV/AIDS. there's multiple marriages and subsequent divorces and its impact on the kids. there's social security. i imagine it can almost turn into the wholescale pimping of provincial barrio lasses! no wonder many people in Mindanao talk about the sudden proliferation of internet cafes as if these were rapidly becoming centers for prostitution.

to be fair, i know of many marriages between caucasian men and piany women which are stronger than the rest of ours. it's not really a matter of race, but of sincerity. if people are really in love, they have as much right as others to do whatever they please. but again, at what social cost?

i just remembered

2007-07-25T23:41:00.000-07:00

it's been two years since my tita suddenly died of aneurysm. the whole family went to the hometown for a little shared meal.

among many deaths we have seen in the family, that death shocked the family the most because tita didn't look ill at all, and from the time she collapsed, it took just a couple of days till she was gone. her last words to her husband were "ano ba 'yun? ang sakit naman!" she was clutching her head in total agony, as her jaws were slowly starting to lock. she went unconscious and straight into coma. the aneurysm in the brain was so massive the doctors were totally helpless, saying no operation could save her. my tita's family was relatively well-off, but no money in the world could help. it was a feeling of utter helplessness.

she never regained consciousness. that was it. no dramatic farewells like those in the movies. nothing. it was so sudden it seemed like she was abducted. "like a thief in the night."

two years hence, it was interesting to look at the family she left behind. tito has concentrated on the family business because he has five kids to look after, two who are already in college. i must say they're doing very well, keeping the memory of my tita alive, and at the same time moving on with their lives.

i know deep down in their hearts, there is a place that misses someone. we feel it too. we are a big family, but very close to each other despite the size and distance to where we all live.

it's always an ambiguous feeling going back to my hometown in Pampanga. among the third-generation kids in the family, it's me who most vividly remembers how this place looked like before the pinatubo lahar engulfed the town. that memory of lush ricefields and rich fishponds of my grade school years always contrasts with the present powdery landscape. it's no longer a desert as it once looked. the rainy day floods have started to become less and less severe as each rainy season passed. some fishponds have started coming back. still, the flowing creek at the back of the house hasn't flowed in 10 years. it's now murky green. everywhere you look, there is still plenty of evidence that the devastation hasn't gone yet, or maybe, it will never go away.

if this was a story, the town's decaying beauty can find the perfect objective corelative in several people i know personally who have either left the town, have died, or are currently in the throes of terrible illness. whether choosing to stay here despite the hardships, or living in our loving memories and looking at us from above, or giving as a heartwarming, glowing smile even if one arm has drooped, they're all still here. for laughter and a good meal.

permanence is an illusion. beauty, fleeting. but love lasts as long as we fight to keep it alive.

so what now?

2007-07-25T23:17:00.000-07:00

i wish i could write again in the same vein that i did before. but now that im staring at the monitor, it's a hard labor.

i wish words would come, but words just don't.

ah, all i have is hope. hope that everything isn't in vain. the last three months have been really crazy.

"To live by grace alone"

2007-06-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

Blackbirds by Susan Mitchell

Because it is windy, a woman
finds her clothesline bare, and without rancor
unpins the light, folding it into her basket.
The light is still wet. So she irons it.
The iron hisses and hums. It knows how to make the best of things.
The woman's hands smell clean. When she shakes them out,
they are voluminous, white.

All night my hands weep in gratitude
for little things. That feet are not shoes.
That blackbirds are eating the raspberies. That parsley
does not taste like bread.

From now on I want to live
only by grace. In other words, not to deserve things.
Without rancor, the light dives down
among the turnips. I eat it with my stew.

Today the woman's hands smell like roots. When she
shakes them out, they are voluminous, green.
All day they shade me
from the sun. The blackbirds have come to sit in them.
Since this morning, the wind has been enough.

landslide

2007-04-16T05:32:00.000-07:00

Because i was wrong in thinking that some things cannot change:

Landslide
Dixie Chicks (Fleetwood Mac cover)

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain then I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the... snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky...What is love?
Can the child within my heart, rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Uh ah ...... uh ah..uh ah...

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
Well ...

(Instrumental)

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
Well, I'm getting older too

So...... take this love, take it down
And if you climb a mountain and ya turn around
And If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought it down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe ... Well maybe ... Well maybe ...

The landslide will bring you down.

sipaan ng pari

2007-02-20T19:07:00.000-08:00

Vatican stars kick off priestly world cup
ROME, Feb 20 (Reuters) - It is sometimes said that Italy has two main religions - Catholicism and football.
');
//-->

Now the two will come together when the country, the current holder of the World Cup, hosts the first international championship for student priests.
The 'Clericus Cup' will see teams from Rome's many seminaries battling it out with amateur soccer players from 50 nations taking part.
The tournament kicks off on Saturday with a team mostly made up of Brazilians taking on a largely Mexican side. The final is scheduled for the end of June.
'We want to raise the awareness of current and future leaders of parishes and Church communities of the educational and pastoral importance of sport,' said Edio Costantini, head of the Italian Sporting Centre which is organising the event.
The priestly scholars will be expected to apply the usual levels of soccer fair play, but, for those who don't, a Catholic level of forgiveness may be allowed.
The tournament will use a 'blue card' to send off players who foul. They can return to the field after a five minutes cooling off period when they can reflect on what they have done.

===>> may confessional boxes din kaya sa sidelines? hehehe

of travels

2007-01-16T23:15:00.000-08:00

Hmmm...

I've been blessed with a job that can bring me to a lot of the country at no cost to me. I've met a lot of people formally and informally, ate a lot of stuff tasty and nasty, spent mornings, afternoons, nights travelling alone and with company, had much time to sleep or to talk to myself, I've been basically running around town.

Provocation to this piece is Kafka. In "The Metamorphosis," the sales agent who travels around a lot has suddenly woken up to discover that for some reason, he's been turned into a vermin. Cockroach to most of us. There is a particularly disoncerting thought in the novel how the protagonist travels a lot, meets a lot of people in transit, in stations, in trains, thousands of them in his entire life as a corporate slave, yet he rarely connected in a human way with any one of them. He still remained isolated, holed up in his own room, of no particular consequence to no one, and therefore if he remained a vermin his entirely life, nobody would bloody care.

Once in a while you really do feel that way when travelling. When travelling economy class, it's the destination that drives you. The plane ride is always stomach-churning and ear-popping. The bus ride is boring and bumpy. The tricycle ride is short but dusty.

You don't care a shit about the people who sit beside you unless their being there poses a clear and present danger to your sanity. You know, stuff like having a bad case of smelly armpits. Or that one time an executive sitting beside me was whining about PAL's low standards throughout the flight from Manila to Butuan and talking to me and all those around him as if he wanted the entire cabin to rise up in arms and storm the cockpit! With styro coffee cups!

I particularly hate plane rides. A swerve here or there always gets on my nerves. Of course it doesn't help that I watch quite a lot of Nat Geo's "Air Crash Investigation." I better stop that to calm me a bit. PAL's snacks onboard are particularly annoying: chichiriya you'd be lucky to find in the backmost of grocery racks. I didn't even know these brands of cupcakes existed!

Yet I feel travelling has made me a lot wiser.

Travelling exposes you to a lot of things. For one, if you were on a plane with the GM, you basically have your twin fates tied together. If for some reason God calls you back to Heaven (let's assume for once that I am "heavenly"), the GM has as much chance as you of being blasted into smithereens.

In travelling you find that the GM loses his baggage with as much annoyance as you, notwithstanding his Priority status. In fact, being non-priority benefits your sense of anonymity in the same way that you don't feel bad lining up behind an ATM machine with all the rest of the people: you're just better at grinning and bearing it because you've been doing it all your life!

However, what I find most revealing in travel is how it has changed my concept of time.

When I was still teaching, time flew slowly. Weeks would go by using lesson plans as measures, tests and papers to be graded on a quarterly basis, events to be put up, meetings to attend. But everyone basically stayed the same. The buildings stayed the same. The grounds were maintained by the same routine. Only the kids grew up fast. EVen then, when they could already smart enough to stand up to my bullying tactics, it would be time for them to go off to college!

But now, i would think something needed to be done in two months' time and I would be thinking two months is coming in real fast!

Darting back to a town on a regular basis lets you see changes you otherwise wouldn't have seen if you were in it all the time. Places change. People change. You see them and talk to them and think you got them but when you get back you see them in a different light!

It seems memories are there to keep you busy, but never think it's going to be accurate.

Suddenly it is time to leave again, and you wonder, will these things be here still when I come back?

morning glory!

2006-10-30T22:29:00.000-08:00

syempre picturan e

2006-10-30T21:52:00.000-08:00

anghel pag tulog

2006-10-30T21:50:00.000-08:00

come drink with me

2006-10-30T21:45:00.000-08:00

anak, hinay-hinay lang sa gudtaym ha

2006-10-30T21:43:00.000-08:00

bago matulog, alburuto muna

2006-10-30T21:40:00.000-08:00

naistorbo sa thumbsucking

2006-10-30T21:27:00.000-08:00

si daddy, nakikitsismis sa iyong panaginip

2006-10-30T21:23:00.000-08:00

si mahal ay nasa thailand

2006-10-28T04:59:00.000-07:00

at kami ay mga falang na. falang ang tawag dito sa mga foreigner.

kung mainit ang maynila, mas mainit ang bangkok
kung matrapik ang mayinla, mas matrapik ang bangkok.
kung makulit ang mga red light district ng maynila, mas makulit ang red light district ng bangkok.

karamihan sa mga babaeng nakita ko ay maliliit ang beywang pero flat chested din.

dalawang haiku

2006-07-16T22:15:00.000-07:00

pagod na muni
ay kaya pang gisingin
ng crepe at kape.

ngunit ang buwan
paggising, simula na
nitong tomaan!

ang alamat ng payatot

2006-07-16T21:57:00.000-07:00

napadaan sa baguio, sa cafe by the ruins. may batang makulit at sumingit sa camera.

nagpakilalang anak ko.

"anak ba kita."

"mula pa noong una mong buhay sa mundo. naririto ako upang iligtas ka."

"iligtas saan?"

"ililigtas kita sa katabaan."

at kinain niya ang natitira ko pang breakfast cereals.

Uy!

2006-07-14T02:18:00.000-07:00

sana hindi lang ako ang nabubuwisit sa shampoo jingle ng sugarfree. alang kakuwenta kuwenta/

un-Makati

2006-07-08T20:07:00.000-07:00

I am in one of Mindanao's bustling corners, in a small city filled with Ilonggos and not Cebuanos, straddled between two mountain ranges and with no beach in sight.

The last retort is what makes me a bit ambivalent about coming here. i have always loved to see the beach, no matter how un-tourist class it may be. I think i may have been born to wander a bit, and with it the twin urge to always find rootedness. I think the beach represents both worlds, leaving and returning, going away and coming home at the same time.

Yet I have also felt extremely comfortable here. The bus trip was surprisingly hitch-free.

As it turns out, I came on the eve of the city's fiesta. And as in any provincial town fiesta, i just had to go see the perya.

There it was in one of the city's manicured corners. There was a tiangge lining up the sides leading to the ferris wheel. I didn't bring with me loose change and I felt a bit sheepish to ask the manong at the color game booth to break up my hundred peso bill, and since i was also getting hungry at 7 pm, i decided to just eat first and then come back. yes, come back for the color game.

there were food tents and tables with checquered plastic table cloths. i tarried a bit, trying hard not to appear like this duffus who didn't have any idea which food stall to check. I'm sure the locals know which ones are good, but i hadn't the slightest clue which they are. the tents offered the same barbecue menu, so i can imagine me trying to play the prince who gets to choose the correct door among several similar-looking ones.

this is what i call a roulette. in moments like this, i can be as irrational as a shrub. trying to make sense of all the signs of the universe, i finally followed the first attendant who took notice of me: a manong who asked if i wanted beer, isaw, inihaw na manok, and all the rice i can eat, all for 100 bucks. hmm, sounded like a good old rob to me so i took a glance at the food laid down on the grill, and turned around. not good enough! i tried to tell him, without of course, mouthing it. on the way out, i saw two pretty collegialas guzzling red horse and eating isaw on one table. suddenly, i felt this was the universe talking to me! no tent couldn't get any better for me, could it? I got back and looked for a place. (dont ask if it's beside them collegialas, or my wife will kill me)

I soon found out that the girls, er, i mean my belated instincts were correct,as ever. the place i found was near the stage. and in a few minutes, there would be bands playing. suddenly, it all seems like a good bargain.

the beer came first, then the band played, it sucked for a moment. and i hated the song list. mushy stuff from cueshe. freaking cueshe is ruining my life even in mindanao. (i mean especially in mindanao). the vocalist is feeling so guwapo singing those crap (is there such a word as craps?). i wanted to go up the stage and rip the vocalist's vocal chords to shreds, if only the pretty collegialas wouldn't mind. oh well, since i was starving, i contented myself to shredding the inihaw na manok which came surprisingly fast. sweet and spicy soy sauce with calamansi, and probably some other secret sauce (like the manong's sweaty armpit droplets) made me want to cry with ecstacy. this is so un-Makati.

just so u wouldnt forget that the band is cool, they played LAKLAK and ZOMBIE. The question "why do all college bands just have to sing laklak and zombie?" may just be the subject of my Masters thesis.

i finished 3 bottles of san mig light and 3 cups of rice. by the time i was done, the pretty collegialas were just about finished with the red horse litro. they were proceeding to open a bottle of gin bulag. bitches.

the band soon finished their set and up stepped a reggae band, complete with jamaican tams and the face of bob marley in different poses on their shirts. medyo oa, to the point that i wished bob marley had a porn video so their mothers could tell them to stop wearing those shirts.

but when they played, i have to say they really rocked! just a let-down that they played what i call "mainstream" reggae. basically brown man revival, some popular marley (the oft-abused waiting in vain), and some covers from the jamaikan me groovy album. i thought they played BMR's entire album, if i wasn't mistaken. Nothing against BMR, I think they play good reggae music, and some of their originals are really good. i think i just missed sublime, our reggae-god in college with the DAY CARE CENTER!!! (Dax at Jonas mag reunion concert na tayo!!!)

by the time they were singing another BMR song, my bladder was reminding me that the 3 bottles of beer is my one-sitting's limit. i just gotta pee.

i rushed to the hotel, peed to my kidney's relief (the original kilig factor), and then wrote this post in a matter of 15 minutes.

Ain't life grand? And i still haven't played the color game.

will you join us?

2006-07-02T20:12:00.000-07:00

May ads ang Chevron Texaco sa cable ngayon tungkol sa kanilang pagnanais na iligtas ang daigdig "by finding out ways to better harness the world's remaining energy resources. will u join us?"

isang itong malaking kagaguhan.

oil firms ang numero unong dahilan kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay walang mass market development ang alternative fuels. hinaharang ng mga oil companies ang development ng mga ito siyempre dahil makakasira sa kanilang kita.

wag nila ngayon masabi-sabing "will u join us?" na para bang tayo ngayon ang tinatamad. bisikleta ang kailangan!

ay ang tag board

2006-07-02T20:10:00.000-07:00

andaming spammer sa tagboard ng blog ko kaya ang saya saya yeah!!!

tinatamad akong magkalikot sa program kaya hala sige patangahan na lang. kung sino mas tanga, talo!

dahil world cup ngayon, may time warp!

2006-07-02T19:59:00.000-07:00

Kapag may naligaw na executive ng solar sports sa alabang, bubugbugin ko siya hanggang hindi na siya makilala ng nanay niya.

world cup ngayon at wala pa akong napapanood na kahit isang live game sa bahay. puro internet reports ang tanging pag-asa para malaman kung sino ang panalo at kung ano ang iskor at kung sino ang umiskor at kung sinong tarantado na naman ang nakakuha ng red card.

pagkatapos magbasa sa internet, saka naman magpapalabas ang solar sports sa cable ko ng replayed game, mga 2 games delayed na. tipong game 55 na sa live e game 53 pa rin ang ipapalabas muna nila.

opo, opo, alam ko, kasalanan din kasi ng cable provider ko, kasi hindi sila bumili ng slot sa solar. opo, opo, ramdam na ramdam ko ang aking karukhaan (bukod pa ang kawalan ko ng pribelehiyong magbabad sa mga bar na nagpapalabas ng live world cup games sa gabi dahil, hello, may pasok pa ako kinabukasan at baka hambalusin ako ni misis pag uwi).

pag-usapan na rin lang ang karukhaan, ramdam na ramdam ko rin ito sa panonood kay manny pacquiao kahapon. dalawang laban pa bago ang main event e may mga nagtext na sa akin kung ano ang resulta. may mga nakinig sa radyo, may mga nanood sa pay per view, at siyempre, may mga nandun sa araneta. buti pa yung radyo, ok lang kasi pwede kong sabihing iba ang napapanood sa napapakinggan lang. pero yung naririto na nga sa pinas e delayed pa rin ng tatlong umaatikabong oras????

ang akala ko kaya lang delayed ang mga vegas fights ay dahil sa malayo sila. imagine ninyo yung mga taga cubao. kapitbahay lang nila ang araneta, pero ano kaya ang pinapanood nila?

time warp. tapos na sa araneta, meron pa sa tv.

Survey daw

2006-04-23T23:53:00.000-07:00

got this from macoy. plus one item by me.

X -- things you've done

( x ) eat at Manang's
( x ) learn the alma mater song (hindi nga lang kumpleto hehe)
( x ) get on the dean's list
( x ) sleep on a bench (pati sa table tsaka ilalim ng puno)
( ) be a TNT! (sorry. What the hell is a TNT?
( ) jog around the campus in the evening (can walking home at night count?)
( x ) visit the art gallery (and visited it more than once until one particularly sorry girl invited me over. Bye bye to Kiukok!)
( ) know at least one xerox lady, manong, or technician by name (ngayon wala na. but im sure meron noon hehe.)
( x ) get a Jesuit for a teacher (lahiff and dacanay and joey cruz)
( x ) itch from higad bites (yes, technically they’re not bites)
( ) have gotten an F in something (ehehehehe. Gloating mode)
( x ) have taken a crap in school (and in friends’ dorms)
( x ) watch a La Salle vs. Ateneo UAAP game (ateneo lost because Pinzon couldn’t pass or shoot)
( ) give a powerpoint presentation (in bio class, Mike Tavas and I used cartolinas for our report. We got an A, hehehe)
( ) study in the caf upstairs (upstairs of what??)
( x ) watch a T.A play (got so freakin’ bored)
( ) sit on the SEC ledge and watch the stars (wala bang historical info na mas malapit lapit dyan)
( ) eat in Full House, Martha's Kitchen, and Ken Afford (aba sosyal. Nevah!)
( x ) sleep in the lib (wala bang hindi natutulog sa lib)
( ) visit Mr. San Andres (cynthia?)
( x ) go to the chapel
( x ) have gotten a pebble stuck in your shoe/slippers in the middle of the quad
( ) cut class with your block to watch a movie (my block is a bunch of nerds. We were all afraid of the teachers hehehe)
( x ) sign up for those institutional (i.e. difficult but brilliant) teachers
( x ) go to CERSA night
( ) have tried siomai rice
( x ) learn how to smoke (and smoke what?)
( x ) actually read the book you keep borrowing from the lib (im a geek remember?)
( x ) play cards during your free time (pusoy dos at tong-its. Never magic cards hehe)
( ) dress in business attire (no fucking way)
( x ) learn to stay awake for more than 24 hours straight (group meeting for 10 hours, class for 3 hours, went to fetch GF in “nearby” UP LOS BANOS, then went back to admu for the next class day)
( ) have gotten side comments from ASSOC (never heard of ‘em!)
( x ) take (and enjoy) Saturday classes (classes with grad students hehe)
( x ) go to your immersion (Gabaldon! Setting nung isang naging kuwento ko!)
( x ) eat Food for Thought sandwiches (eto ang talagang miss ko na…)
( ) get a boyfriend/girlfriend
( x ) take time to read the vandalism in the CR doors (minsan napapasok ako sa girls cr at kakaiba pala ang mga vandalism nila don ha…
( ) watch `Minsan Lang Sila Bata` and `Macho Dancer` for class (I got to watch the original, uncut Scorpio Nights courtesy of a scriptwriting class under Uro de la Cruz hehehe)
( x ) do a last minute paper (as in next minute deadline na)
( ) have spent a lot for 1x1 ID pictures (my face is enough to trigger photographic neurons)
( x ) get exempted from final exams (mga dalawang beses lang ata)
( x ) attend a college mass ( yata hehehe)
( ) promise to quit smoking (helloooo)
( ) play hide-and-seek in the mini-forest (hide and seek kami sa dorm nyahahaha)
( x ) know where the best restrooms are on campus (faura daw sabi ng iba. Favorite ko socsci third floor)
( x ) join an org (join then leave in the second sem. Nakikitambay na lang.)
( x ) allow yourself to make mistakes (mushy naman nito)
( ) take summer classes (wala e)
( ) admire the sacred heart statue in the evening (never passed by it)
( ) make a video for a project
( x ) have a crush on a teacher (ibazeta, who gave me a zero in a history test, and abad, who gave me a lift from com bldg to bellarmine)
( x ) attend a Jesuit retreat (freshman, never got the idea what it was all about)
( ) have gotten a parking ticket (wish ko lang may tsekot ako)
( x ) come to school in your crappiest yet most comfy clothes ( 3 kulay ng giordano shirts )
( ) learn how to use the Bayantel pay phones (sa akin yata yung mga vendo machines sa socsci)
( x ) participate in school activities (heights book launches?)
( ) catch the Blue Babble Battalion tryouts
( ) date an Atenean (mas mabilis ang mga taga peyups e hehe)
( x ) ride a tricycle on campus (walang ibang ride sa campus)
( x ) find a tambayan (gabay room)
( x ) admire the marikina valley at night (pati Loyola memorial park)
( ) go drinking along Katipunan (mas Xavierville at Abada ako)
( ) learn how to beg for a higher grade (medyo wala sa bokabularyo ko yan)
( x ) use your cuts wisely (as in bilangan talaga!)
( ) volunteer to be class beadle
( ) had the worst lottery schedule for reg (thanks to reg team, we got preferential treatment hehe)
( x ) admire the trees on campus (lalo pag naiihi na)
( ) have forgotten about your freecut and gone to that class (are you kidding?)
( x ) eat in the ISO canteen
( x ) be active in your org (first sem syndrome. Next sem nawawala na)
( ) have signed up on an ACP class just because the girl or guy u like signed up for it.
( ) get as many app forms as you can during the job fair (tulog ata ako nung job fair)
( x ) learn how to cram (my mind works best under pressure nyahahaha)
( ) sell tickets (or watch) an org-sponsored movie premiere.
( ) save money to Xerox all of your seatmate's notes
( x ) have accidentally seen a make-out session (sa third floor ng gonzaga. Ganda pa naman nung babae hehe)
( x ) check out the Meron Lagoon and Lambingan Bridge. (habang tinatayo pa)
( x ) have dozed off in class in Bel right after a class in CTC/SOM/Comm. Bldg or vice versa (dozed off in class. In front of Hornedo. With only 3 of us as his studens)
( x ) learn how to work with groupmates from hell (meaning we were supposed to make the group work like hell?)
( ) perfect the art of parking on campus (pota pahingi munang kotse!!!)
( ) had a bad encounter with one of the guards on campus
( ) develop a love for sisig
( x ) learn how to pronounce `AEGIS` properly.
( x ) have used typing rooms at the library. (does grad school count?)
( ) have reserved a classroom, AVR, etc. for a class or org function.
( x ) have asked the library for an endorsement to research in other libraries (Rockwell lib pa yun say nyo hehe)
( x ) have lost a perfectly functioning umbrella (umbrellassss)
( x ) have used consultation hours properly (minsan lang)
( x ) Looked forward to lab breakage refund, in case you didn't break any equipment
( x ) visit the Guidance Office (nagpapalamig)
( x ) and Infirmary (nagpapalamig ulit, tsaka dun sa higad thing)
( ) peed on the konyo bench (I wish)
( x ) watched the sunset from the gate 2/3 field (wala na ata ngayon yan)
( x ) spent night at gate 2/3 field (nahamugan tuloy ako)
( x ) took the Barangka steps at least once (barangka dormer me)
( ) hung out at the Doghouse and actually felt superior to everyone
( ) drank the water from the rizal-era pipes
( x ) referred to classes between 1:30 and 3:30 as "siesta time" (had plenty of those!)
( x ) played in the rain, with your friends (sa gate 2 field!)
( x ) had a band (the DAY CARE CENTER!!!! watch the reunion concert!!!)

lagalag mode

2006-03-21T19:26:00.000-08:00

was recently visiting gensan, polomolok, and marbel/koronadal city.

gensan is such a small big city, if u get what i mean. manny pacquiao country is definitely booming right now with all the malls and the wifi hotspots sprouting everywhere. the hotel i stayed in was fantastic, with jacuzzi in wach room. sadly, had just quite a a few minutes each day left when i got to my room. never got to enjoy it.

gensan, unlike what i imagined it to be, wasn't much of a seaside town, even if it really was beside the sea. if u thought gensan had plenty of beaches, u might be a bit disappointed (like i was!).

polomolok on the other hand is a quaint town tucked away in the corners of the huge dole plantation up on the slopes of mount matutum. on certain days, that mountain is said to be so secretive u won't even think it was there. i was quite lucky to get a fantastic shot of the mountain in the fairway of the dole golf course.

yes, those are norfolk pines, the ones ud see in temperate climes. apparently, they can adapt themselves here quite well. not only that. they have macadamia trees here as well. surprising, right? hehe this is a macadamia nut, and its shell.

the brown inner shell is still tough and needs to be dried out in the sun. when it cracks, that's the time it can be removed to expose the nut inside, and then roasted. was so excited to be going home with some roasted macadamias because ferrero-rocher chocs has it! my fave choc of all time.

yes, well-manicured lawns, yes i know this is a potential environmental disaster with all the fresh water the golf course requires. the plantation itself is a monster of a water guzzler. it is said that they harvest tens of tons of pineapple every hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! i wonder how they take care of their water without damaging the environment, and if they pay their workers well.

polomolok is so freaking rich.

marbel or koronadal city is the farthest ive been to in southwest mindanao. i dont know, maybe all the traveling was getting into me already. i didnt quite enjoy it. i was probably so tired, or just missing home a lot.

THE INVITATION

2006-02-23T21:34:00.000-08:00

THE INVITATION
Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments

kapag puno na ang salop!

2006-02-19T20:29:00.000-08:00

the handsomest motherfucker ever to brandish a toy rifle.

http://i1.tinypic.com/o6ff2e.jpg

1 minute Pop hit list

2006-02-16T17:11:00.000-08:00

In the name of capitalism, these are the immediate 5 examples of moronic ventures. Boycott them so they will learn their lessons.

5. PBB. pinoy big baboy.
4. ely buendia to [jesus] ventura (or whatever the fuck it is he used) to ely buendia. where the hell are your balls?
3. ultraelectomagneticjam. the song list obviously was prepared by the music studios. at PUTANG INA BAKIT NANDOON ANG CUESHE????? speaking of which...
2. CUESHE. The band is a bunch of musical idiots. gasgas na melody at song structure (verse-verse-chorus-verse-chorus-coda-chorus to death), gasgas na mga riffs ng gitara, at higit sa lahat at pinakaputang inang higit sa lahat at hinding-hindi ma-take ng literature professor na ito, gasgas na lyrics na kayang isulat ng kahit sinong 16-year old. (my sincerest apologies to 16 year olds). they are not even worthy of piracy.
1. abs cbn. sunugin sana ang mga kaluluwa ninyo sa impyerno dahil sa ginawa ninyo sa mga pumila sa wowowee.

Thou shalt never have any chance of making me part with me and mi moolah. more importantly, my time.
Amen.

balik prabins

2006-02-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

bertdey ni lola kahapon. back to lahar land. tang inang lahar yan 15 years na nga ganito pa rin itsura.

umalis kami before 7am. pagdating namin dun after about 2 and a half hours, sarap ng arroz caldo with native chicken and lots of paminta!

pansinin nyo yung water line ng caldero. ganyan siya kasarap talaga. or ganyan lang kami kasiba.

twas a nice time to revisit old nooks. and some domestic wildlife. like this pair of fowl with chicks. pangtinola! 3 daw sa kanila ang napunta sa inubos na arroz caldo sabi ni lola.

eto naman mga ihaw ihaw lang. hayup sa anghang yung sawsawan.

tapos eto pang siopao siguro.

ito naman ang kahindik-hindik na burong pampanga. best with steamed veggies, kagaya ng ampalaya at talong. not for the faint-gutted.

you put the buro on top of the ampalaya. then throw it to the back of your throat. never, under absolutely no circumstance, shall you let it roll off your tongue like a slab of cadbury's. unless of course you wanna throw up.

ang buro ay panis na kanin at/o hipon. maraming klase ang buro. me pinatikim na sa aking masarap na pampulutan, yung kaning halos kulay berdeng gelatin na. yes, if it sounds a bit gross, that's coz it is! pipilas ka ng letsugas (lettuce) tapos irorolyo mo sa loob ang isang kurot ng burong berde na yun, tsaka mo isho shoot sa lalamunan. masarap siyang isabay sa chivas regal. again, para lang sa matatapang ang sikmura.

but then again, bleu cheese smells like shit, too.

nilagang mani for pulutan ulit.

finally, panghimagas! prizes go to the lucky one who can eat the living thing!

wohoo

2006-01-26T04:57:00.000-08:00

siyempre nasa biyahe ulit kaya nakakapagsulat sa blog. panalo kasi si Pacquiao (non sequitur at its best!).

tinatamad na ako mag blog. baka patayin ko na ito.

but then again, that's maybe, stating the obvious.

ilang mga hirit: CDO

2006-01-26T04:50:00.000-08:00

1. Sa dinami dami ng mga lungsod na napuntahan ko na, pinakamasalimuot na siguro ang trapiko ng cagayan de oro. bloke-bloke na ang mga one-way, sandamakmak pa ang mga motorela (tama ba? parang traysikel nila). masikip talaga at napakatrapik.
2. dikit dikit ang mga kainan sa lugar na malapit sa tinuluyan ko. tsaka mga internet shop na 10 o 15 pesos kada oras.
3. ang sarap mang asar ng pulis trapiko kasi hindi namin siya maintindihan.
4. nakakatuwa ang accent ng mga taga CDO, parang Davao din.mas malambing nang kaunti kaysa Cebuano.
5. may Fr. Masterson, SJ, street sa CDO. naalala ko tuloy yung Fr. Masterson drive sa Ateneo de manila. andaming pangalan ng mga kalye dito na galing sa mga Heswita. Para tuloy akong naglalakad sa pinalaking ateneo. Padre Ferriols na lang ang kulang nyahaha. o kaya Padre Adolfo dacanay: alyas penguin.
6. may SM na dito. urbanisasyon o komodisasyon?

andami nang umaalis

2006-01-08T23:45:00.000-08:00

Nitong mga nakaraang araw, tila napakaraming mga kakilala ang nag-iisip, nagdedesisyon, o nagbabalak mangibang-bayan. Nars sa UK, caregiver sa Israel, teacher sa Florida. May ilang mga kuwentong nakakaiyak talaga kagaya nung isang doktor na nag-aral ng narsing para lang makapag abrod.

o yung nagtop sa medical board pero hindi na lang magdodoktor sa Pinas kasi nalaman niyang top siya sas board exams nung mismong araw na palipad na siya papuntang Tate para maging nars.

may nakausap pa ako minsang isa nang ganap na abugado mag na nars din. o isa nang engineer mag na nars din. andami talaga nila.

bakit daw hindi ako magturo sa Tate? kaya ko na man daw siguro.

ang sagot ko, kung mababa ang tingin natin sa mga titser natin sa Pinas, mas mababa ang tingin ng mga Kano sa kanilang mga guro. Kaya nga walang gustong maging teacher dun e.

pero hindi ito post ng bulag na nasyonalismo.

hindi sukatan ng nasyonalismo ang pagbabandera sa kalungkutan tuwing may maririnig na ganitong istorya.

sa halip, sa llikod ng aking utak, minsan naiisip ko, hindi kaya talagang kasama na sa kultura natin yung pag asam na makaalis sa sariling bayan para makahanap ng tagumpay sa labas?

marami kasi tayong mga katutubong epiko na may ganyang kilos ang bayani: lalaban sa labas para makabalik ng matagumpay.

binuhay kami ng tatay ko sa pamamagitan ng halos dalawampung taong pagsisikap sa Saudi. tumino lang ang buhay namin nung makaalis siyia. dmaing laruan, gamit sa bahay, bahay at lupa.

may panahon pa nga noong high skul na sinasabihan kami ng ilang mga guro na hindi magandang sitwasyon ang ganoong buhay. may pera nga pero hiwa-hiwalay naman.

sa loob-loob ko, e kung doon kami nagtagumpay e! e kung doon kahit papaano nawala sa paghihikahos, at matapos ang ilang taon, nakaya naman e. andito na ang tatay ko ngayon at retirado, bagaman maaaring totoong kinulang din sila sa pag-iipon ng para sa kanilang dalawang mag-asawa.

sa anui't anuman, sa loob-loob ko, hidi na rin totoo ang romantisadong OFW; umiiyak pag-alis, masayang-masaya pagbalik, kung makapipili lang ay hindi na aalis.

sa loob-loob ko, lahat tayo gustong mag-abrod. at yung unang makakapag-abrod, siya ang pinakamagaling.

Intellectual Mass Starvation

2006-01-03T01:04:00.000-08:00

If, for example, in one uniquely magical morning just before the sun fully rises from the eastern mountain, we find ourselves in a room with a nice little view, together curled up beside each other (doesn't matter if we're naked or not though i would prefer anything beautiful to my eyes and that would most probably mean you in your birthday suit), and you make faces at me while i pretend to be sleeping, eyes shut and haughty, you getting all naughty and dirty and lovely and wrinkly, my mind will separate from my head and float right above us and wander like a giant yellow balloon coming from my teeny weeny navel of delight (soiled and sweaty and white), and you will see that my mind is slowly wandering above us and you will smile and blow this yellow balloon using your own peculiar pout until it gets bigger and bigger and it touches the ceiling and it presses against our faces like an SRS airbag and we push it, push it out of the window, out into the open sky and it will block the sun momentarily and we will wait for its shadow to pass us by, pass by the house, pass by the neighborhood, pass by the street and into the mountains on the west, carrying with it all of our wishes and all of our hopes and all of the secret disgust you have for me and you have always had for me and have no intention whatsoever of telling me in this lifetime or the next, if indeed there is some wrenching, maniacal morning such as this one, you will find me in all my middle-aged majesty, in all my skeptical conviction, in all my capitalist illusions of societal significance, you will find me there singing in your face a song by the eraserheads:

i was born upside down
i felt my grandma put my feet on the ground
they put a spoon in my mouth
and everyone was shocked to hear me shout

well i knew i couldn't take all that dogfood that they'd make
i'd just as soon as put myself on a stake and burn

i saw it coming around!
i saw it coming around, yeah
i saw it coming around
and so i just, shook my head and walked away.

i grew up in a town
where everybody tried to push me around
the girls were alright but the guys were tough
they were always buggin me with macho stuff

well i ain't no stupid fighter i go for flower power
and i've been runnin every race just to save my face, yeah!

i saw it coming around!
i saw it coming around, yeah
i saw it coming around
and so i just, shook my head and walked away.

well they try to see if you care
it's just a matter of not begging for more
you know it's really suicidal to just give in
to people you can never really be sure

oh, hoh, when it gets down to this
they'll eat you up
when it gets right in your head
they'll stitch you up

it's a saving grace to have enough
when you find yourself in a compromising spot

you should know you shouldn't take
all that dog food that they'd make
you'd just as soon as put yourself on a stake and burn

you'll see it coming around
you'll see it comin, comin around oh when you
oh when you see it comin around you'll just yeah...

SHAKE YER HEAD AND WALK AWAY!

woman!

2005-12-22T21:39:00.000-08:00

some posts to make the gender wars a little bit more inflated (and yes, fun hehehe)

bukas/loob

2005-12-20T05:15:00.000-08:00

According to Catholic doctrine, people are born with consciences. It is supposed to be God's voice in man's soul, helping to create decisions which are pragmatic enough, distilled from the grand vagueness of the universal laws. Thus, while the universal moral law forbids killing, the conscience can tell us to kill in times of danger to ourselves, like in instances of self-defense.

On the other hand, according to Freud, people "grow" a superego. This happens at the first instance of a moral obligation imposed on the child by some moral authority such as the mother or father, or guardian, like when a child is told in gestures not to do this or that, through some finger wagging.The superego sort of tells the ego the moral high ground, as opposed to the bestial instincts of the id. The ego acts as the one that decides which way to go. Following the impulse of the id will lead to crime, while blindly following the superego will lead to starvation.

Tagalogs have a word that is virtually untranslateable: "loob" although that, i suspect, is the closest we have to conscience. This loob is used idiomatically in a myriad ways to the point that it loses its depth sometimes and we take it for granted. But take a look again, "loob" can either be "magaan," connoting fondness, or "mabigat," meaning aversion. "Mahina ang loob" means a person who lacks fortitude. "Palagay ang loob" is something friends feel about each other. Of course, "mabuting loob" has got to be the sweetest thing a person can be!

My conscience is my kids. I know when they grow up, I will have to account my actions not to God (at least not yet hehehe), but to them. "They will understand some day" is definitely not good enough. So i hope i don't screw up.

Every parent fears the day when he will have to face his children and defend himself.

tula! tula!

2005-11-23T23:49:00.000-08:00

this is a lovely poem i found in a friend's blog. medyo accessible naman siya, as long as the reader can get its allusive style. the key is treating it as a dream poem, precisely why its title is like that. i particularly like the last line. it is very much atwood's style to deliver coup de grace lines at the end, sort of summing up the entire poem in several words.

i also like the play in the phrasing. notice how several phrases have been cut awkwardly to jolt the reader into accepting two or more possible readings of every line. ambiguity is a real dream!

i find the first stanza stuttering, though. parang hirap mag take off.

otherwise, it's a lovely poem of achetypal effects. enjoy dear friends!

variations on the word sleep
margaret atwood

i would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
i would like to watch you,
sleeping. i would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear
i would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. i would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

i would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. i would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

birthday post

2005-11-22T02:59:00.000-08:00

went to work even if it's my birthday. what i got was some fire and brimstone moment with a old woman. but i'm too happy to be pissed off. well of course i was close to getting really pissed off. but hey, it's my birthday. and i'm not the senti type but i do like to be happy in my birthday just because. just because.

just recently noticed that my blog has turned more than a year old. that makes me happy. for no particular reason i feel happy. maybe because i like the feeling of having a near-record of one-year of thought-threads readily available for my perusal during my nostalgia attacks, hehe. i don't recall being able to do this before, except maybe when i was in high school when we had this student diary which we had to fill up with thoughts every day. but even that one isn't something i took seriously, before or until now. or at least until i stumble on an old copy.

i'm tired but i'm happy. thanks alanis for that line. i love you and yes, avril is a whining loser. she's such a phony annoyance.

i'm also happy because of small things. the god of small things is smiling. thanks to arundhati roy.
i'm happy because my birthday sometimes coincides with a fiesta, the feast of Christ the King. This year it didn't quite go like that but it doesn't matter.
i'm happy because my wife still loves me, the universe's biggest jerk.
i'm happy that i can write crappy lines.

but i am also mad that my seatmate here in this computer shop is playing some stupid computer game that shoots missiles up in the air whose soundtrack is totally annoying. can't you play something a little less neanderthal?

recently i've been liking that word. neanderthal. hehe. i wonder who in the office i'll be shouting that invective to first.

ladies and gentlemen, allow me to blow the candles please. i'm turning a year older and i actually like it.

:)

bringing out the dead

2005-11-20T21:29:00.000-08:00

just found out that half the blogs/livejournals in my links folder is dead or dying.

bye to you.

--------

work is getting too tedious for comfort. i guess 'cause it's just november. the holidays are just around the corner. it's 13th month pay time. and exactly half of it is gonna go to the credit card company hehehe.

ok lang. i think im still on track to getting rid of all the debt, including the ones incurred for the house renovation, by january 2007. especially if the missus goes back to work. one year old na kasi si gael. pwede nang iwanan sa biyenan.

-------

so how was the move to this company?

money-wise, it's been ok. good move, actually, since i'm hearing some horrific things about my last work. the perks make up for the lesser basic pay. i have some allowances to defray daily expenses which you don't get from a school. plus i get to travel.

what i like about my work really is that i learn many new things. i remember having this feeling before about what could i have been if i hadn't gone to teaching. i guess with this work that i have now, the answer's i could have been alright. not really become some hotshot executive but just plain alright.

but i hate the stress. i've never worked my butt off as hard as this all my life, but still everyday i get this feeling that maybe something's gonna pop up and mess my work. at least for the last couple of months that's what i felt. last weekend was the only time i had a really quality one with the family. tiring, man.

-------

i guess i just miss teaching.

napadaan ako

2005-11-06T19:42:00.000-08:00

Napadaan ako sa weezer. com at saka ko naalala na may luma nga pala akong kopya ng pinkerton cd nila na galing pa kay kumpareng dax. hiniram ko lang pero hindi na naibalik. o sige na nga, ninenok ko at hindi na ibinalik. at wala nang balak ibalik. pare, aginaldo muna sa inaanak mo bago mo ulit makuha ito, which means never will u get it from me! nyahahahaha (devilish laugh ala Austin powers)

putragis na cd yun. i am rocking in my head!

tinugtog namin yung "buddy holly," from weezer's debut album, nung second year kami sa freshmen night out. mukha kaming tanga nun. sa lahat kami, ako yata ang mukhang pinakatanga talaga. hawak hawak ko na parang banduria yung lead guitar. straight out of high school rondalya e. looking back, sana naghubad na lang pala ako nun mas nagkaroon pa ng event.

pero astig yung video ng "buddy holly." in fact it was so darn successful weezer had to fight off insinuations that success of their debut album was brought about not by their music, but by the director of that music video!

so for their next album, they didn't release any video. what they released was music that touched on different topics. But u know the coolest thing? it was that they talked about things I could totally relate to! like this one:

Tired Of Sex
I'm tired, so tired
I'm tired of having sex
I'm spread so thin
I don't know who I am

Monday night I'm makin' Jen
Tuesday night I'm makin' Lyn
Wednesday night I'm makin' Catherine
Oh, why can't I be makin' Love come true?

I'm beat, beet red
ashamed of what I said
I'm sorry, here I go
I know I'm a sinner
But I can't say no

Thursday night I'm makin' Denise
Friday night I'm makin' Sharise
Saturday night I'm makin' Louise
Oh, why can't I be makin' Love come true

tonite, I'm down on my knees
tonite I'm beggin' you please
tonite, tonite, please
Why, can't I be makin' love come true?

nung marinig ko yan napaluha ako. syet walang duda, akong ako talaga.

may mga pagkakatong napapagod na rin ako at nagiging, ano nga yun, cynical? paano ba naman e lagi na lang ganun. pagkatapos ng isang babae, may isa na namang magpapakyut. alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang gusto nila. sasaktan lang nila ulit ako.

Why Bother?
I know I should get next to you
you got a look that makes me think you're cool
But it's just sexual attraction
Not somethin' real so I'd rather keep wackin'

Why bother? it's gonna hurt me
It's gonna kill when you desert me
This happened to me twice before
It won't happen to me anymore

I've known a lot of girls before
What's the harm in knowin' one more?
Maybe we could even get together
Maybe you could break my heart next summer

It's a crying shame I'm all alone
Not with you, nor her, nor anyone
Won't you knock me on my head
Crack it open let me outta here.

Syet take me outta here. graveh ang intellectualization ha.

but this song is really wicked.

Across The Sea
You are 18 year old girl who live in small city of Japan
and you heard me on the radio
about one year ago and you're wanting to know
all about me and my hobbies
my favorite food and my birthday

Why are you so far away from me?
I need help and you're way across the sea
I could never touch you - I think it would be wrong
But I've got your letter and you've got my song

They don't make stationery like this
where I'm from - so fragile, so refined
So I sniff and I lick your envelope
and fall to little pieces every time

I wonder what clothes you wear to school;
I wonder how you decorate your room
I wonder how you touch yourself
and curse myself for being across the sea

At 10 I shaved my head and tried to be a monk
I thought the older women would like me if I did
You see, ma, I'm a good little boy
It's all your fault, momma, it's all your fault

goddamn, this business is really lame
I gotta live on an island to find the juice
So you send me your love from all around the world As if I could live
on words and dreams and a million screams oh, how I need a hand in mine to feel.

don't worry though, hindi naman ako ganyan ka depraved lagi. minsan lang pag lasing, ganun, kakatapos thrills ng theology orals kay as*orgasm. lokong prof un ang kuwento sa amin e mahilig daw mag mini kapag nagtuturo sa mga seminarista sa LST. totoo kaya yun?

o baka naman tibo siya? well, for all you gentlemen of blogsphere, alam nyo yung feeling na yun? yung akala mo babae kaya panay ang pa cute mo at pamacho yun pala tibo, mas macho pa sa yo? gosh heto ang weezer song para sa inyo!

Pink Triangle
When I'm stable long enough
I start to look around for love
See a sweet in floral print
my mind begins the arrangements

but When I start to feel that pull
turns out I just pulled myself
she would never go with me
were I the last girl on earth

I'm dumb, she's a lesbian
I thought I had found the one
we were good as married in my mind
but married in my mind's no good
a Pink Triangle on her sleeve
let me know the truth, let me know the truth

Might have smoked a few in my time
but never thought it was a crime
knew the day would surely come
when I'd chill and settle down

when I think I've found a good old-fashioned girl
then she put me in my place
if everyone's a little queer
can't she be a little straight?

naalala ko pa yun and i just shrug my head. "anakan mo ako kasi tibo ako. gusto ko lang ng anak. ayoko ng lalaki."

bakit ganun? gusto ko lang naman ng love. kaya nung nakilala ko si misis, aba dinigahan ko na agad, kasabay ng kantang ito sa utak ko:

El Scorcho
Goddamn you half-Japanese girls
do it to me every time
oh, the redhead said you shred the cello
And I'm jello, baby

But you won't talk, won't look, won't think of me
I'm the epitome of Public Enemy
Why you wanna go and do me like that?
Come down on the street and dance with me

I'm a lot like you so please
Hello, I'm here, I'm waiting
I think I'd be good for you
and you'd be good for me

I asked you to go to the Green Day concert
You said you never heard of them
-How cool is that?-
So I went to your room and read your diary:
"watching Grunge leg-drop New-Jack through a press table..."
and then my heart stopped: "listening to Cio-Cio San
fall in love all over again."

How stupid is it? I can't talk about it
I gotta sing about it and make a record of my heart
(How stupid is it? Won't you give me a minute
Just come up to me and say hello to my heart)
How stupid is it? For all I know you want me too
and maybe you just don't know what to do
or maybe you're scared to say: "I'm falling for you"

I wish I could get my head out of the sand
'cuz I think we'd make a good team
and you would keep my fingernails clean

but that's just a stupid dream that I won't realize
'cuz I can't even look in your eyes
without shakin', and I ain't fakin'
I'll bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon.

Tatlong beses akong binasted ni misis. Tatlong beses ko din siyang kinompronta at tinanong: "Ha??? Bakeeettt>>>???"

Nung wala na siyang masagot, sinagot na lang niya ako.

Salamat sa Weezer, ngayon meron na kaming Aniway, Inigo at Gabriel. :)

what is your idea of hell

2005-10-28T05:18:00.000-07:00

a good friend of mine tried to be cute one time and told his date that his idea of hell was sitting on a chair, hands tied behind his back, watching ballet. the date was, to his surprise, a ballerina.

i can never stand the smell of burnt clutch in jeepneys and buses.

***

going to the airport last sunday, i had the misfortune of flagging a cab who was stupid enough to get caught messing with the taxi meter. it was the old lefty trick, you know, he talks to you incessantly to sort of distract you. he constantly pulls down his left hand to touch something behind the left side of his seat. and voila! every time the meter changes you get increments of P5 and P10.

so i played the little manager who wants to screw his company but only if somebody was kind enough to give him a blank receipt. told the cabbie id gladly skim money off my company, but id rather not because if i got caught, my name's busted and i wouldn't find another job. point was this motherfucker plays by some rules.

so i had the good sense to read the newspaper as my own disguise, when in fact i was looking at the meter. when we stopped in an intersection, the meter flashed plus 10 bucks in two solid meters! so i told the cabbie the meter was freaking me out.

manong ambilis ata ng metro nyo

manong fumbles. a mabilis ba

oho manong kakapatak lang tapos lumampas ka lang sa pintura ng tawiran sampung piso na nadagdag.

manong scratches something. i didnt fucking care what it was he scratched.

to save him, i suggest something brilliant. manong ganito na lang. patayin mo na lang yang metro mo tapos bigyan na lang kita ng 250. ganun talaga binabayad ko sa mga taksi pag nagpapahatid ako sa airport. (actually, it's usually 300 from my house to the airport)

manong obliges me. and for the rest of the trip he was as meek as a lamb.

tang ina mo hayup kang drayber ka. kung hindi ko napansin yun aabot ng 400 metro mo.

in manila, of ten taxis i flag down, i will be extremely lucky if i could get 4 of them who will not make me go through hell like this. or its other cousin, contracting. Id much rather prefer commuting by bus or jeepneys. but then i hate the smell of burnt clutch linings.

Ah, life is not perfect.

nanaginip ako

2005-10-12T22:41:00.000-07:00

ng lumilipad na mga aso.

kahit kailan hindi ko naunawaan ang kahulugan ng guhit sa palad ko, kahit pa nag aral ako ng palmistry. siguro parang yung mga doktor na hindi kayang pakiramdaman ang sariling mga nararamdaman.

maulan nitong mga nakaraang araw. naalala ko lamang na sa baguio, napakalamig din ng mga patak ng ulan. parang galing sa ref.

ipinandidilig namin sa maseselang mga halaman ang tubig na galing sa ref. katulad ng ubas. minsa'y nagdala ng buto ng ubas ang tatay ko galing sa saudi at itinanim namin sa garden. tumubo iyon saglit. nagkausbong at nagkaroon ng ilang mga dahon. ngunit hindi ito namunga. matapos ang ilang linggo, kusa na ring natuyo. pinalitan namin ng ampalaya at upo.

namatay ang aso namin isang araw dahil sa katandaan. walang ingay na kamatayan. gumuhit sa aspalto ang kanyang laway.

gumuhit sa pisngi ng kapatid ko ang luha ng pagluluksa. habang hinuhukay namin ang mababaw na libingan, umaalimpuyo sa aking isipan kung paano natagpuan ko isang madaling araw ang tutang ito sa aming gate, pinadpad ng kanyang kawalan ng memorya kung saan talaga siya nakatira. kinupkop ko siya at pinahupa ang kanyang pag-iyak. anim na taon din namin siyang naging aso.

iyon ang huli kong kabutihang asal.

ngayon, isa na akong demonyong sinusurot sa panaginip ng mga asong lumilipad.

while walking

2005-10-05T22:08:00.000-07:00

830 am in Makati is walking time.

You notice that people walk indiffirent to each other, though you walk in the same direction. And there is nothing else to break the monotony than walking in step with a beautiful yuppy who's right next to your shoulder, when you have a five-minute chance to just walk without looking in front of you, but rather just look at HER.

Ah, what to do with five minutes?

You look at her and you make up stories in your head. You look at her and you try to interpret as close as possible the way that she sways her arms must mean she likes to have someone beside her. Or the way she puckers her lips before licking them probably says she's a water person who's up for some adventure. Or how she avoids the tile boundaries on the pavement when she walks betrays her latent insecurities.

Ah, signs. After all, really, these are just signs. Where is truth in all of these?

It is not beauty that's in the eye of the beholder, but signification.

big brader

2005-09-26T21:04:00.000-07:00

imaginary conversation with chx:

espiritista: bakit ang landi-landi mo?
chx: yah, like i care
espiritista: a sorry ha. akala ko kasi katulong ka nila.

imaginary conversation with jayson:

espiritista: pare, yung asawa mo may ka-holding hands.
jayson: [deadma]
espiritista: tsaka may katabi na nang-aamoy ng kilikili niya.
jayson: [deadma ulit]

imaginary conversation with uma:

espiritista: hi, pare
uma: i hate u
espiritista: tsupain kita jan e
uma: syet i love u na

imaginary conversation with cass

espiritista: r those boobies real?
cass: u mean this? yah, nag-away nga kami ng nanay ko nung magpaayos ako ng suso e tsaka nung lola ko kasi ayaw nila talaga kasi kahit pag aartista ayaw nila talaga kasi sana dun na lang daw ako sa davao e kaso sabi ko sa kanila kahit anong hirap kahit anong obstacles lalabanan ko kasi kahit ganito lang ako kaya kong ipakita na kaya ko mabuhay kaya ko kumita ng pera sa legal na paraan di ba kasi andami nga jan kumikita sa maling paraan bad pa naman yun di ba
espiritista: [tang ina andami nang sinabi gusto ko lang naman lamasin ang suso nya]

Bobo number 2 (read anoni first before reading this)

2005-09-25T01:10:00.000-07:00

and so.......

"Give me ur REAL NAME and i just myt tok 2 u"
"Ah mark genesis poh! And u are?"
"I gv u 1 more chance to properly introduce urself to a lady and tel me ur COMPLETE NAME UR SCHOOL AND UR MOTHERS MAIDEN NAME or i will talk to my engineer bf and hs gang and i swear i wil hunt u down like an animal using tech thngs ur puny litl intelect never thot existd. Of course u cn just stop bothering me wid ur juvenile idiocy so we cn both enjoy this nyc sunday aftrnun. Ciao!"

pasensiya na tsong. bad trip ka e.

Si anoni, or my encounter with a bad, bad, texter

2005-09-24T23:45:00.000-07:00

Isang araw, may siraulong nagtext sa misis ko.

Close daw sila. Nakuha daw niya ang number ng misis ko sa isang papel. Isang papel? Ngunit alam niya ang palayaw ng misis ko. "Amay."

Ngunit sino kaya ang nagsulat ng papel? Tunay kayang may papel na kinasulatan ng numero ng asawa ko? o hindi kaya ang misteryosong texter ay isang nagpapanggap lamang na kakilala?

Noong simula'y walang anuman ang sinasabi sa text. Paulit-ulit lamang na "Hi!" o kaya'y "Can u be my friend?" na panay namang hindi nasaasgot maliban sa "Hus dis?" Tunay na kamangha-mangha ang pangangailan ng nilalang na ito sa isang kaibigan. PInangalan namin siyang si "Anoni."

Ngunit isang araw na maalinsangan ang gabi, bigla siyang nagtext ng kapampangan.

"matud2 nka neh mnablas k neh cge ok mu, balu k nman n alwa aku ing lab mu, bri kmu pblu keka n kaluguran dka"

Isang kakila-kilabot na mensahe. Kagimbal-gimbal. Kapampangan din kasi ako at ito ang malayang translation niyan: "matulog ka na ha magbihis ka na sige ok lang, alam ko naman na hindi ako ang lab mo, gsto ko lang sabihin sa iyo na mahal kita." (tama ba ang translation ko Ferds?)

Kaya't minabuti naming pagplanuhan ang pambibitag sa ugok na ito. Sino, o sino kaya ang Anoni na ito?

Sa simula'y wala kaming maubos maisip kung sino ang posibleng suspek. Kaya mula sa malayong kaharian ng Bacolod at ILoilo, sinimulan kong magmanman.

Nagpakilala ako sa kanya sa text. Ako, mga binibini at ginoo, ang maton at simpatikong si Jepok ay lumimot sa kanyang sarili at isinuot ang pagkatao ni ALINE, 20f, manila.(dyaraaaan!)

Dinaldal ko siya sa text. Parang ganito, may dagdag na anotasyon at edisyon ni Jepok da great:

"Hi, im aline, r u male? care 2 chat?"
"HI WHER DID U GET MY NUMBER"
"I just punched some nos and got urs. r u m? wats ur name"
"JHAD NASL PLS" (Ibig sabihin po name, age, sex, location; oo nga oo nga nasabi na yan ni Aline kaya sintomas ito ng sakit ni Anoni na lubusang mabubunyag maya-maya lamang, ang sakit ng malawak at kagimbal-gimbal na kabobohan)
"Hi Jhad im Aline, 20f manila. u?"
(walang sagot muna. nagtanong ulit si ALine) "Still studying?"
(matapos ang isang oras...) "YUP WER DO U STUDY"
"Ust." (paumanhin sa UST, hindi ninais ni Aline na madamay ang inyong pangalan sa kahungkagang ito)

wala ulit sagot. at paulit-ulit na text na walang kuwenta ang naganap. HIndi sumasagot ng maayos si Anoni. Nagbabalik pa nga ng mga text ni Aline sa kanya. Kaya natapos ang isang araw na walang natuklasan si Aline.

Lumipas ang gabi at dumating ang umaga.

GInimbal si ALine ng isang nagmamakaawang text!

"HI GUDAM FAVOR NMN PLZ LOD M NMN AKO PLS KSI UBOS NA LOAD KO BUKAS PARA TXT PA TAYO PLS TNX"
Walang iba kundi si Anoni, ang bobong si Anoni! Nanghihingi ng load! Tunay na sadyang malupit ang tadhana, sapagkat wala sa mood si Aline na maging instant sugar mommy/daddy.

"Yuck turn off ka naman"
"SIGE NA PLZ GV ME LOAD POGI NMN ME PAG NGKTA TAU SIGE N PLZ"
"So?"
"SIGE NA PLZ HND PA KSI DATING ALLOWNCE KO E PARA TXT PA TAYO TOM SIGE NA PLZ"
"Care ko? Ur such a lousy textm8 anyway."

Mula sa kalangitan ay kumulog at kumidlat. Nagalit ang bobong bata.

"CARE KO? UR SUCH A LOUSY TXM8 ANYWAY."
"CARE KO? UR SUCH A LOUSY TXM8 ANYWAY." 10 ulit na ipinadala ni Anoni ang makabagbag-damdaming linyang iyon pabalik sa orihinal na maylikha, si Aline!

Paulit-ulit ang abusadong texter, natutulungan marahil ng kakayahan ng Nokia na madaling makapag resend ng palit ulit. At bago kayo magtaka, mga minamahal na mambabasa, sun cellular ang mga text kaya unlimited. may anotasyon ulit ni jepok sa mga panaklong (A).

"PANGIT K KYA K NGHA2NAP NG TXM8. HEHEHE" (sent 7 times)
"yah ryt, and ur cheap." (naghamon daw ba ng name calling? hehehe eksperto jan si Aline)
"UGLY GO 2 HELL...UGLY PIPOL...HEHEHE. I HVE NO TYM 2 UGLY PIPOL LYK U BYE MS UGLY" (sent 15 times!)
"mbuti pa tigilan mo n yang pkikipgtxtm8 wala ka mpapala jan hijo god bless" (pa moral high ground ang effect hehe para pag natigil siya si Aline naman ang babanat)
"WHO IS TALKING...WEL I THNK THT U NID 2 C UR SELF IN D MIROR AND TEL WHO'S TALKNG...AND I THNK UR D CHEAPEST GIRL IVE EVER KNOWN..." (sent 10 times)
"really ha just luk at d number of pipol uv askd 2 b ur txtm8 and tel me if its me hus ugly or u. Ciao!" (pasensiya na, dito sa parteng ito, natukso na talaga si Aine upang ibunyag ang kanyang tunay na pagkatao. mabuti na lang at napigilan niya ang kanyang kalooban.)
"SEARCHNG 4 D TXT M8 AND TKE NOTE GUY...YUCK SO CHEAP..." (sent 15 times!)
"and i think i hv no tym for people wid bad gramar bad kapampangan txt wid no money to boot stupid pipol!"
(matapos nito, matagal na hindi nagtext si Anoni. nag-isip siguro tungkol sa kapampangan, o kaya busy sa kakaresend hehehe.)
"RILY ITS OK 2B BOBO..BUT UNLIKE U IM NOT CHEAP...U SED DAT UR 4RM UST SKUL U NID TXTM8 Y? U NID TUITION FEE? HOW MUCH R U? ..." (sent 5x syet ha ma-take nyo yun? Magkano ka! translated as how much r u! nyahahahaha)
"Bobo m tlg hahaha taga[public school sa muntinlupa] k b bkit ang bobo mo? hahaha!" (sa puntong ito, sa hindi malamang dahilan ni Aline, bigla siyang nakaramdam na ang batang ito ay taga public school na iyon sa muntinlupa. unti-unting nabubuo ang mga hinala, kaya unti-unti ding nilalagay sa mga text. Isa kang amasona, Aline!)
"UR SOME KIND OF A BITCH..." (sent 5 x what??? maybe u meant "UR SUCH A BITCH". Si Aline naman, napunta na sa name-calling mode, matapos makaramdam na nauubusan na ng lakas si Anoni)
"Bobo bobo bobo wala ka ksing bobo"
"s2pid!"
"CNO KYA!...HAHAHA!..." (Oo, pati ako, nagtataka kung ilang ellipses na ang pinipindot niya!)
"useles"
"dungo!"
"ignorante!"
"and most of all cheap! hahaha" (Sa puntong ito hndi na sumasagot si Anoni. ibig sabihin napipikon na yan. dinagdagan ni Aline ng konting bluff effect hehehe)
"I know hu u rily r. its no use talking to sum1 so bobo. hope u have a gud day"
"Bobo hahaha"
"BAD ENGLISH? BKA U DON'T UNDRSTND ... I KNOW MY GRMMR..." (sent 20 frigging times!!! sa buwisit ni Aline, sinadya nyang painan ang siraulong texter. PAUMANHIN SA MGA MAG-AARAL SA PUBLIC SCHOOL, GINAMIT LANG ITO PARA GALITIN SI ANONI)
"hahaha hala cge txt pa ng txt ubusin m oras sa pgtxt hahaha so bobo tlg wid bad english pa hahaha pa tutor ka muna kay sir [name of teacher in d public school in muntinlupa, who by the way, is infamous for the enormityof his pimple problem] hahaha"
"TNGGALIN U MUNA TIGIDIGS MO S FCE U.HEHEHE ...." (BINGO!!!!!!!! HULI KAAA TAGA PUBLIC SCHOOL KA NGA NG MUNTINLUPA!!!! BOBO TALAGA. Untiunti nabubuo ang hinala kung sino nga siya. Siysa yung dating estudyante ni misis na may kabastusan talaga at nagpadala na ng katarantaduhan sa text dati. now for the kill)
"Bobo na cheap pa nanghhngi ng load sa hnd kakilala tapos akala nya bbgyan cya ksi pogi daw cya kuno hahaha bobo tlg hambog pa super cheap! hahaha"
"HU'S D PERSON MOTIV8 U 2 TXT ME??"
(ang pinagsususpetsahang tao ay gradweyt na sa public school na yun. nasa isa na siyang magandang kolehiyo. para matiyak kung siya nga iyon, muli siyang pinainan ni Aline)
"hay naku ur so pretentious using big words lyk motivated wrong dictn tlg when a simple told wud do hahahaha and kawawa becoz of ur super cheap public school high school sn makapasa ka sa matinong college lyk UP or ateneo para umayos naman buhay mo

Walang sagot. Nakabibingi ang katahimikan ng cellphone. Bilang pangwakas, at ang ULTIMATE na pain, heto pa!!!! sapagkat ang pinagsususpetsahang bata ay may apelyido ng isang santo)

"O bakit hnd ka makasagot ha? JHAD pala ha religious k b mahilig k b mgdasal kay st. john?"

Tuluyan nang nanahimik si Anoni. Nawa'y sumalangit siya kasi ambait-bait nya.

Matapos ang isang oras, may isa namang tumawag sa fone ni Aline. Siyempre hindi sinagot. Sa halip sabi ni Aline,

"Hu u?"
Miscol ulit sya. Call Rejected ulit.
"If u can col, u can text me hu u r right?"
"AH NDI ME RIN NOW KNG CNO KA! KZ MY NGBUSSINES CRD NG NO MOH SKIN NAKA LAGAY N NAME ALINE!"

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh may bobo number 2 paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Abangan.... (makiki ellipses na rin ako)

Balikan natin ang nakaraan

2005-08-22T17:45:00.000-07:00

If anyone of you out there heard this song for the first time and THEN understood every single word in it you'd probably feel the same queer sense of strangeness in the song that i felt. It's a catchy ditty, but the words just stab at you.

"I never should have said the books that you read were all I loved you for."

I never really understood the song the whole time that I was hearing it in the old NU107 about 5 or so years ago. Now that I saw it in a friend's blog, I can't help but feel awe.

This, my friends, is poetry.

Here's Where the Story Ends
The Sundays

People I know, places I go,
make me feel tongue-tied
I can see how people look down,
they’re on the inside

Here’s where the story ends

People I see, weary of me
showing my good side
I can see how people look down
I’m on the outside

Here’s where the story ends
Ooh here’s where the story ends

It’s that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes my eyes feel sore
Oh I never should have said, the books that you read
Were all I loved you for
It’s that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes me wonder why
And it’s the memories of your shed that make me turn red
Surprise, surprise, surprise

Crazy I know, places I go
Make me feel so tired
I can see how people look down
I’m on the outside

Oh here’s where the story ends
Ooh here’s where the story ends

It’s that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes my eyes feel sore
And who ever would’ve thought the books that you brought
Were all I loved you for
Oh the devil in me said, go down to the shed
I know where I belong
But the only thing I ever really wanted to say
Was wrong, was wrong, was wrong
It’s that little souvenir of a colourful year
Which makes me smile inside
So I cynically, cynically say, the world is that way
Surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise

Here’s where the story ends
Ooh here’s where the story ends

you're still you

2005-08-22T05:16:00.000-07:00

wala lang narinig ko lang ulit yung josh groban version.

naalala ko tuloy yung movie na Malena. OST kasi yun sa movie. monica bellucci is such a vixen.

naalala ko tuloy yung isang taga village namin na siguro twenties na nung mga 13 o 14 ako. ate siya ng medyo kala-kalaro ko na batang riles. may vulcanizing shop sila. tapos yung ate, hindi ko na matiyak pero parang nagtatrabaho sa SM nun bilang saleslady.

ako naman iskolar. payatot. anglaki ng bag. mukha talagang kolokoy.

pag nakakatabi ko yung ate sa pedicab, lagi akong kinakabahan. ang ganda kasi niya. gandang-ganda ako sa kanya. oo na sige na manyak na kung manyak.

hanggang sa lumaki ako. at tumanda din siya. at magkaanak siya. at magkaanak ako. at hindi ko na siya nakita. siguro, ngayong naiisip ko, mga 10 o 15 years ko na siyang hindi na nakikita, kahit na andito pa rin naman yung pamilya nila. siguro nakapag asawa ng taga ibang lugar. siguro naman masaya siya ngayon.

siguro din lahat ng lalaki may Malena-type na babaeng minahal. yung tipong 13 to 15 yung boy tapos 5 to 10 years older yung girl at naghahalong kadalisayan at kalibugan na ang nararamdaman kasi nga pumapasok na sa pubescent stage. ito yung stage na kakatapos lang nung mga puppy love-puppy love na kakornihan at kabaduyan. ito yung stage na walanghiyaan na ang kasunod.

tama, siguro nga ganoon kaya damang-dama ko yung huling eksena sa Malena nung nagbibisikleta na paalis yung batang lalaki palayo kay Malena, na una't huling beses niyang natulungan matapos matapon ang mga dala nitong prutas. kasi para siyang may tinatakbuhan, may nilalayuan pero at the same time inaaasam din niya, patuloy niyang nililingon kahit mamintig pa ang mga binti sa tigas ng pagpadyak.

kasi kagaya ng maraming bagay sa buhay, maraming mabubuti at magagandang bagay na sa hindi maintindihang dahilan ay hindi talaga mapapasaatin, gaano man natin asamin. may mga bagay na hindi natin makakamit para lamang sa mga kadahilanang kasingwalang kuwenta ng "wala kasi sa panahon" o kaya'y "hindi kasi bagay" o kaya'y "tinatamad kasi ako nun."

parang yung ate ng kalaro ko. dahil sa hiyang itanong, hindi ko man lang nalaman ang kanyang pangalan.

i don't know about u

2005-08-22T05:08:00.000-07:00

but i think i'm enjoying bamboo's hallelujah song, playing on the house music at this exact point, if only for the riffs there. as usual, as with many of his songs, i hate his lyrics. "sino'ng sawa, sino'ng galit?"

i thought he was playing on the archetypal sawa as in snake and thus was a passable allusion to biblical symbolisms on the devil but then again i thought it was a python and pythons never figured in the bible. then it hit me, the word could never have been mispronounced,or was it???

should it have been pronounced sawa as in fed up????

naalala ko tuloy yung isa pang word mangler nung 90s: yung singer ng Introvoys. "Di na kow, aasa pang myuliheee...kung ikaw ay babaleek, seka na lamang ngingiteeeeee!!!"

2005-08-22T05:03:00.000-07:00

Dahil sa konting katangahan, naiwan ako ng flight ko sa iloilo. Solution? Bacolod muna!!!

Pareho lang naman ang pasahe kaya walang dinagdag sa plane ticket. Rerouting fee lang na 100 pesoses tska konting takbo para hindi na ulit maiwanan. pero ganun naman talaga ang PAL: ang lakas magpa check in agad pero antagal naman magpa board! kundi lang dahil sa mabuhay miles na iniipon ko para madala na rin ang wifey sa davao e matagal na akong nag cebu pacific.

pati nga pala sun cellular sa jg summit din, kagaya ng cebu pacific. astig din tong jg summit e. alternatives ang inooffer. well, magulo lang talaga ang sun. pag gabi na nawawala na ang signal. minsan tumayo lang ako saglit naputol na yung linya ko. sumobra na nga ako sa limit kaya putol na yung sun ko ngayon. oks lang. saka na bayaran habang may company fone pa.

tang ina bored na ako dito.

i will be

2005-08-21T00:58:00.000-07:00

going to iloilo and bacolod next week. those who wanna come just meet me at the terminal 2 and we'll do something about it, awright???

au revoir!

creator

2005-08-08T18:08:00.000-07:00

On my way to work every morning, my bus always passes by Magallanes on the South Superhighway side. I used to see a lot of the shanties lined up along the railroad tracks back when I was still going to college. Those living there would go about their usual stuff unmindful of the backyard, which, in their case, was the Highway--and consequently, the travellers out for some nice viewing. Their sight would always make me squirm a little, I suppose, only because we used to live in such a place in Alabang. Only, our railroad track was the small creek behind the "house." After the construction of the Skyway, concrete barriers were erected to block the view from the Hiway. Still, the shanties just adapted. Now, they are two-storeys high, using the concrete barriers as sturdy back walls.

In Graduate school, I remember one enlightening discussion about creation. Claude Levi-Strauss talked about "bricolage," from the the French word for "tinkering." Levi-Strauss' metaphor for bricolage is an instructional handy person, a do-it-yourself craftsperson who can put to use a host of materials lying around at various stages of construction or (dis) repair. This craftsperson works by continuously shifting according to the everchanging requirements of the task as a function of the ways in which the task has been addressed.

The person who creates by way of bricolage is a bricoleur. The bricoleur, as Levi-strauss explains it, is contrasted to the architect, who designs with a grand plan on hand before actually executing it. An architect works logically, while a bricoleur works intuitively.

I was driven to remember these thoughts because in our discussions, it was remarked that our shanties were created by way of bricolage. Tires are found atop the roofs. Old cooking oil cans have been flattened and nailed together to form one wall. Electric fan covers have been used to form a part of windows.

Function takes precedence over aesthetics. Budget over safety.

What is created is order in disorder. Some sort of bizaare logic from chaos. Aren't our lives like that, anyway?

I just had a beloved aunt die of brain aneurysm. She was 41, with 5 kids whose youngest is merely 7 years old. But I suppose I trust that her husband can take care of the kids. They have a business anyway to take care of the finances. What cannot be compensated for will be the love of a mother. But they will live with this, and come up with fairly good lives in the future.

My aunt was very nice, very healthy, very loving. But I suppose there is really no point asking questions.

We all have to live with our own tragedies and we can.

Advancing in years into my nearly-thirties, I can't help but feel walls are tumbling down around me. Walls of ideologies, of hard-fought beliefs, of heroes, of loves. They're all tumbling down like the walls of Jericho. What is left?

I am left. Right? (nyahaha! baduy na joke na naman) And some trust that no matter what, there are people who love me and whom I love. I suppose that is more than enough.

Indeed, God himself is a bricoleur, not an architect. And He cracks baduy jokes sometimes.

Good morning everyone. :)

some reasons why i always look forward to visiting davao

2005-07-30T01:08:00.000-07:00

1. mura ang pagkain. sangkatutak ang prutas. mura ang steamed tuna. pati chicken barbecue (paa or pecho!) as a result, i gained a grand total of three pounds! yehey!
2. weather that's warm, but not hot.
3. Mt Apo. kahit hindi ko nalapitan man lang. ang ganda kasi tingnan sa eroplano e.
4. taxi drivers na nagbabalik ng sukli, kahit 2 piso lang. opo, meron pang ganoon sa pinas.
5. nakasubok na ako ng durian. pwede na. yung unang dating sa akin e parang overripe na mangga. yung isang kasama ko muntik maduwal, hehe. wala, sanayan lang siguro talaga yan.
6. gusto ko matuto magbisaya. aliw e. lalo na yung tono ng pananalita ng mga davaoena. may sing-song din na hawig sa ilonggo. ewan kung dito lang yun.
7. mymp. opo, gusto ko sila. dahil lang sa "waiting in vain," nagustuhan ko sila, kahit mukhang hindi yun ang talagang minamarket nilang kanta.
8. walang trapik. at least traffic in the MAKATI sense of the word.
9. football game. saw one on a field the jeepney i was riding passed by and my heart just jumped. next time, i'm joining.
10. life, all in all, seems fairly laid-back. house and lot packages aren't too expensive. there are good schools but no mad dash for students to get the "toppest" scores, unlike in manila.
11. a college friend promised me a mountain biking experience the next time i visit.

I'll be back in a couple of months. can't wait.

tarantino

2005-07-17T04:59:00.000-07:00

Caught pulp fiction on cable tv this afternoon. must be 5 or 7 years since i last saw this one. i can remember its misfortune at being released in the same year as forrest gump, so it sorta had to be contented with getting bridesmaid finishes in the oscars and the golden globe. alam nyo na, white america would rather honor an ideologically harmless but charming dumb white boy than a wry film spewing "niggers" every ten seconds. i relished the dialogues given to samuel jackson. or my favorite harvey keitel one liner: "well let's not suck each others' dicks just yet." that was while they were trying to clean up the bits and pieces of brain and skull that splattered in their car after john travolta accidentally blew the face off of the black man they were "taking care of."

pure freaking genius. then i thought, where the hell did it all go wrong with kill bill?

ADHD

2005-07-17T04:22:00.000-07:00

If there is anyone out there who's gathering evidence for some future class lawsuit against coffee companies for caffeine-induced ADHD, I will be more than willing to volunteer my 5yr old son as EXHIBIT A.

The little devil is taking after me all right! Napagkakuleeet! :)

travelogue number 4: davao

2005-06-26T19:16:00.000-07:00

sa lupain ng durian, mabango ang pag-ibig!

lampas isa't kalahating oras din ang lipad ng airbus a300 patungong matina, davao para sa aming nakatakdang evaluatyion ng mga branch offices dito sa davao. kasama ko ang bosing sa team, ang isang model franchisor, at ang GM.

pero siyempre para sa blog na ito, hindi ko isusulat ang tungkol sa negosyo, hehe.

pinakamalaking siyudad daw sa daigdig ang davao kung land area ang sukatan. pero siyempre, kung kaunlaran, wala siguro sa top ten ito. ewan lang sa iba pang sukatan, kagaya ng HDI, quality of life, etc.

basta may ateneo dito ayos na!

nasa tapat lang ng hotel room ko ang ateneo de davao, college department. yung grade school at high school medyo malayo-layo pa daw. may college of law pala dito sa ateneo de davao, at dito nag-aral ang isang kaklase na philo major sa ateneo de manila. teacher na rin siya sa college of law dito.

bakit mahalaga ito?

kasi gusto namin ng misis ko na mag-aral siya ng law sa susunod na taon. at bukas kami sa lahat ng options, lalo na kung halimbawang hindi makapasok sa UP law. kasama na diyan ang relocation sa siyudad na may mura ngunit de-kalidad din namang law school.

although hindi nga naman mura ang ateneo de davao law school. siyet na malagket.

cebu na lang kaya? mura ba sa san carlos? hehehe

just thinking out loud :)

davao is one of the most unique cities in the country in the sense that it is one of the few truly cosmopolitan cities we have, rivaled only probably by baguio in the north. it is the melting pot of several cultures in mindanao and the visayas. the lingua franca itself is a cebuano import. the commerce driven by chinese and muslim merchants. christians, on the other hand, make up much of the business and government.

i didn't get to see much around town in the four days that i was there, but if i ever come back, i'll make sure i get to check out the night scene there. i hear there's this little reggae bar, marley's, that of course, features good reggae beats.

the restos of course must be explored more thoroughly the next time. the most daring we did was go to a turoturo cum ihawan resto that served food that was true to the "mura na, marumi pa!" dictum of truly yummy street food. and yes, the boss ate there too.

some pics

2005-06-18T04:51:00.000-07:00

ok, para maniwala kayong galing nga akong singapore, eto na ang ilang mga vanity pics hehe.

matindi to. puro pogi ang nasa photo.

In singapore, i got acquainted with my dream car.

my hotel room had a nice little view of the singapore skyline

i got sprayed on by that darned animal

this is the (mer)lion king!

when finally i had nothing to do i just watched myself in the mirror

in the end i sold myself to the first singaporean matrona who dared to cross my way.
http://tinypic.com/view.html?pic=66wv80

travelogue number 3: singapore

2005-06-18T04:30:00.000-07:00

yes, mga kapatid, singapore, the land of singaporeans.

training trip, 4 days, city na hayup sa linis. at hayup din sa boredom.

may reputasyon ang changi bilang isa sa pinakamagagandang airport buong mundo. carpeted ang buong terminal, or at least, lahat ng mga dinaanan namin.

sa pakikipag-usap sa mga singaporeans, nalaman naming tatlo ang dominanteng ethnic groups sa singapore: indians from india, malays from malaysia and indonesia, at chinese from china.

pero dapat may pang-apat na grupo na: mga pinoy ofws! from their pinoy mothers!

nung nasa merlion kami sa tabi ng singapore river, bandang alas otso ng gabi, may mga pinoy na nagkukuwentuhan. malakas din kami mag-usap kaya tingin sila nang tingin. pero dahil feeling sozyal kami at hindi lang promdi pilipins na pers taym nakapunta ng singapore, hindi namin sila pinansin. haay, merlion? how boring can you get??

bumalik kami sa merlion nung bangdang alas onse ng gabi. mas malaking grupo na kami nun kasi last nyt na namin, nagkayayaang maglakad hanggang may kalsada pa.

pagdating namin sa merlion, marami-rami pa ring turista. sa may malayong sulok, may foreigner na caucasian male, at asian girl na nagme make out. siguro 250 pounds si lalaki at 80 pounds naman si babae. parang laruan yung babae sa kandungan ng lalake. alam kong bilib kayo sa aking talento sa paglalarawan ng kalaswaan pero sa pagkakataong ito, kahit ako nalaswaan sa kanila. mantakin nyo yun ha. hindi ko na-take!

sabi nga ng kasama ko, sana pinahiram na muna namin yung card sa hotel room namin. baka kasi walang pambayad ng room. nakagawa pa sana kami ng kawang-gawa.

singapore, oh singapore.

ang hindi ko makakalimutan ay ang pinakain sa aming pepper crab. sabi sa akin, "that's crab steamed and generously sprinkled with pepper". okey, ako naman machong macho ang dating, paminta lang pala e. yakang-yaka yan! pinoy pa?? tatanggi sa spice?? nung lunukin ko ang isang buong laman ng pansipit, aba'y anak ng pating na bading, parang pinalaki ata sa paminta ang alimangong iyon a! naubos ko ang isang kopitang white wine para masunog ang taste buds ko at nang makaligtas sa anghang.

singapore, oh singapore.

ang esplanade na korteng durian. pasosyal pa e. "esplanade" ? sabi nila yun ang pantapat ng singapore sa sydney opera house na nasa sydney harbor, which is supposed to resemble sliced oranges. hah! kung ako ang arkitekto, gagawa ako ng building na korteng higanteng saging. tapos tatawagin ko siyang "the filipino banana."

[haay naalala ko tuloy sina jay ilagan.uy careful, the age is beginning to show!]

travelogue number 2: tuguegarao

2005-06-18T04:14:00.000-07:00

may pamilya ng mga kumpare ko dito sa tuguegarao at nang lumabas ako saglit para makipaghuntahan sa kanila, inabot ako ng tanghalian halos bago nakabalik sa hotel. alaskado tuloy ako baka kung saan daw ako sumaglit hehe.

hindi masasabing atrasadong bayan ang tuguegarao, pero hindi rin naman ganun ka-progresibo. marami na ring 3 at 4-star hotel at restawran, patunay na ang consumer spending dito ay hindi katulad nung sa bayombong.

isang tanghalian, inabot kami ng gutom ng kasamahan ko siyempre. nagtanong ako sa kumpare ko kung saan masarap ang pagkain dito. suggestions niya included the usual hotel food, which we both didn't find appetizing (bukod sa mahal yun sigurado!), and the tuguegarao staple, pancit!

so sige, try natin yang pancit. punta kami sa tabi ng simbahan, doon sa isang restawran na may mga kubol-kubol para sa kainan. apat ang sizes ng order, at parami nang parami pa ang sahog ng pancit. chicharon ang basic, tapos may baboy na, at ang pinakaspecial ay may atay ng manok.

tsaka may itlog. nagtaka ako kasi noon lang ako nakatagpo ng pancit na may itlog. tinanong ko tuloy: "prito ba yung itlog?"

natawa ang kaherang cute, sabay tanong ng makabagbag-damdaming "sir, hindi pa ba kayo nakakakain ng pancit?"

aba'y haliparot na malditang pilosopong babaeng to a!

siyempre naka-smile siya nun. kaya ang cute niya talaga. kaya hindi ko siya pinaputukan ng lait. noon ko naisip, matindi talagang asset ang looks. o kaya cheap lang talaga ako.

buti na lang masarap yung pancit! ayos kasi may masarap pang sabaw on the side. at ang pinakamasarap dun, mura lang siya. wala pang singkuwenta pesos, may kasama nang coke!

so sa mga pupunta ng tuguegarao, hanapin ang "BUDYOK'S" sa tabi ng simbahan. mura na, may maldita pang kahera!

ang senior at ang bopol

2005-06-04T01:10:00.000-07:00

may isang lola na sumakay sa bus na may kasamang lalaking mga 18 anyos na. naghanap sila ng upuan ngunit napunta pa rin sa dulo ng bus. unang umupo ang lola na parang hirap na hirap bumalanse. pinagpag pa niya ang kanyang damit kahit wala namang dumi. sumunod na umupo ang lalaki. hindi nagbabago ang anyo ng lalaki. hindi rin tumitinag ang kanyang paningin. para siyang tulog. para siyang tulog na naglakad palabas ng kanyang kuwarto at niyaya ng matandang babae para sumakay sa bus.

ngunit dahil para siyang natutulog, naiinis tuloy sa kanya ang matandang babae.

dumating ang konduktor. "saan po kayo?"

"dalawang buendia," sagot ng lola. hindi bu-en-DEE-a. BWEN- dya daw. "isang senior ha. tsaka isang bopol."

tumingin ang lalaking tinawag na bopol sa matandang babae. tumingin din siya sa ngumising konduktor. kulang ng tatlong ngipin ang harapan ng konduktor.

1. romantic/ soap operatic

"bakit, lola, sapagkat ako ba'y isa lamang ampon?" tinitigan ng batang bopol ang kanyang lola.

naiyak ang lola. tumunog ang makabagbag-damdaming background music.

"patawad, apo, patawad! isa kang biyaya ng diyos!"

at nagyakapan sila.

2. modernist- ironic

pinagtawanan ng mga pasahero ng bus ang batang tinawag na bopol. pati driver ng bus tumawa. humagalpak. gumulong siya sa sahig ng bus. hindi nakita ng mga tao ang paparating na trak ng petron na nawalan ng preno at humahagibis sa kanila. sumalpok ang tangke ng gasolina sa kanila.

ang batang bopol ang siyang tanging nakaligtas dahil siya lamang ang nakakita ng trak at saka bumaba. akala ng iba bumaba siya kasi nainis siya sa mga tawa.

3. modernist-existential

"bakit lola, ano nga ba ang katalinuhan?" sabi ng batang bopol.

4. marxist- cultural revolution

tumayo ang katabing aktibista ng batang bopol. binunot ang kanyang kalibre .45 at binaril ang lola. patay. binaril din niya ang konduktor. patay. binaril din niya ang drayber ng bus ngunit ito ay nakatakas. makalipas ang tatlong araw nahuli ito at pinadala sa mindanao para magtanim doon bilang bahagi ng kanyang "reeducation."

5. marxist- leninist

nagalit ang konduktor sa lola at binigyan siya ng tatlong oras na umaatikabong lektyur tungkol sa sakripisyo ng uring manggawa para lamang sa kapakanan ng mga katulad nilang kapitalistang ganid. tapos naglabas siya ng donation box.

6. religious fundamentalist

tumayo sa gitna ang isang lalaki at nagsermon hawak ang isang banal na libro tungkol sa kabaitan at pagbibigay ng tamang halimbawa sa mga nakababata. tapos naglabas din siya ng donation box.

7. magic realist

lumuha ang batang lalaking tinawag na bopol. isang baldeng luha. tatlong baldeng luha. hanggang bumaha sa bus at bumaha sa kalye at bumaha sa pilipinas. nilunod ng kanyang lungkot ang buong mundo.

8. absurdist

naging unggoy na laruang jack-in -the box ang lola na may hawak na cymbals. ang batang bopol naman ay naging isang higanteng gagambang masakit ang tiyan.

9. reality tv

nag super extreme close up sa mukha ng batang bopol hanggang sa pwede na nating bilangin kung ilang beses kumibot ang kanyang pilik-mata. dahil sa hiya sa camera, napilitan ang batang bopol na magmukhang matalino kahit hindi naman bagay.

10. postmodern anarchist

tang ina e ano ngayon?

11. post modern cultural theorist

iyon ang sinabi ni lola dahil gumagana na kasi kay lola ang mga kumbensiyon ng pagiging lola at iniisip niyang dapat na ring kumilos na parang tunay na binata ang kasama niyang binata. dahil dito nalulusaw ang indibidwalidad ng isang tao na nirerepresenta ng binatang katabi niya. nakuha ito ng lola sa kanyang panonood ng tv at patuloy na pag konsumo ng mga palabas sa tv at mga babasahin na nagpapanggap na nagsusuri ng katotohanan ngunit lumalabas na nagsusulong lamang ng sarili nitong pulitikal na agenda.

12. pervert/depraved

dahil sa galit, tahimik na nagsalsal ang batang lalaki. pagkatapos makaraos, pinatay niya ang kanyang lola sa pamamagitan ng pagsakal sa kanyang lola sa pamamagitan ng nilubid na panyo. ginamit niya ang panyong ibinigay ng lola niya sa kanya kanina.

travelogue number 1: bayombong chronicles

2005-05-29T04:10:00.000-07:00

Ang dalton pass pala ay hindi maikli. Ang dalton pass pala ay parang kennon road din. Ang dalton pass pala hindi para sa mahihina ang sikmura.

sumakit ang leeg ko kasi alas dos na nun ng madaling araw kaya siyempre, antok na antok na ako. at alam nyo na siguro ang itsura ng mamang inaantok sa bus! para akong laruan na pinagsamantalahan sa gewang na dalton pass.

pero maganda ang tinuluyan naming hotel. may bath tub. pero may kasama ako sa hotel kasi ginago kami nung nagpareserve. sabi namin 2 rooms for one, ginawang one room for 2!

maliit lang ang bayombong. walang mall, walang fastfood, may provincial capitol, may isang atm ng landbank (para sa expressnet) na offline pa, at may dalawang bundok sa magkabilang panig ng daan.

umuulan sa bayombong pag hapon. hindi ko alam kung bakit.

short shorts number 1: batibot

2005-05-18T18:56:00.000-07:00

sabi ng ilang kaibigang mas nakatatanda na galing sa UST, dun daw nag-aral si ate Sienna. Pagka graduate, dun din daw nagturo si ate Sienna. Galit na galit daw si ate Sienna pag tinatawag siyang ate Sienna sa halip na Ms. Olazo. Pag galit na galit daw si ate Sienna, nagmumura siya. At yung pagmumura niya hindi lang murang konyo na "fuck!" o kaya murang promdi na "ukinam!" o "pisting yawa!" yung pagmumura daw niya ay walang ka glamour-glamour at walang kahiya-hiyang palengkerang "PUTANG INA MONG HAYUP KA KUNG SINO KA MANG WAG MO AKO MATAWAG TAWAG NA ATE SIENNAAAAA!!!!"

Tapos iniimadyin ko siya habang nakangiti sa song and dance number ng grupo nila sa Batibot show na "Ang Adobo" sa lyrics na "Wag kang matakot! Yan ay Kulog!" (spoof po ng menudo tsaka kanta nilang explosion). Hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti habang binabago ko yung dubbing ng bibig niya at ginagawa kong "PUTANGINA MONG HAYUP KAAAA!!!" saka ko napapansing napakalaki nga pala ng suso niya at umaalog-alog habang ginagawa nila yung dance steps.

ate sienna, nasan ka na?
ngayong di na kita idolo, pwede na bang magahasa ka?

Batibot sa New york?

2005-05-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

nakita ko ito. ganun pala yun.

http://www.geocities.com/angpahayagangplaridel/archives/1604/BnK1604-01.html

malungkot na masaya. :)

Ginoong Pilipinas Finalist (or the hit-me-baby-one-more-time post)

2005-05-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

Yeah, baby, yeah!

http://tinypic.com/54uc8m

hedo trip

2005-05-16T23:42:00.000-07:00

ganito pag padilim na.

sa pinakamataas na burol naroroon ang simpleng palasyo ko.

mula sa palasyo ko, may footpath papunta sa iba pang mga ituktok ng mas mababa nang burol. bawat peak may isang bahay na maganda. kahit saan ako magpunta may magandang nakatira dun sa bahay na maganda.

pag gabi na, sasabihin ng butler ko sa kanila kung aling bahay ang nakaiskedyul para sa gabing yon. sasabihan niya silang "sindihan na ang kandila sa bintana."

pag tapos na ako sa lahat ng ginagawa ko para sa araw at gabing iyon, bubuksan ko lang ang bintana ng opisina ko at tatanawin ko na kung aling bahay ang may tanglaw na kandila sa bintana.

alam ko na para sa gabing iyon kung sino ang makakatikim ng kamandag ng espiritista!

hills like chocnut elephants

2005-05-16T23:40:00.000-07:00

ganito pag umaga.

porch view, sa tabi ng ilog/lawa

2005-05-16T23:18:00.000-07:00

i can think of a lot of things to do with a special someone in that kind of view.

postcard perfect!

2005-05-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

paraiso! (take me by the hand!)

ahhhhh, so dagat 'to?

2005-05-16T23:08:00.000-07:00

plane ride to busuanga, 45 mins.
jeepney ride, 30 mins.
ferry trip, 20 mins.

kapalit ang maghapong snorkeling!

halimbawa ng ilang mga imbensiyon ni iway

2005-05-16T01:08:00.000-07:00

1. laro ng 1 to 10

"mag sasabi tayo ng 1 to 10 isa- isa tapos kung sino ang 10, siya ang taya."

"o ano ang gagawin ng taya?"

"pag nataya ka ikaw na magsisimula ulit ng 1."

2. joke time

"dady may joke ako."

"ano yun?"

"one dunk plus one dunk?"

"two dunks?"

"hinde."

"e ano?"

"donkey!"

3. napansin ko sa list of games na ginagawa ni iway para sa kanyang 7th birthday sa october (yep, october pa po. apparently, she isn't the chronic crammer that her dad is most notorious for):

musical chairs, pin the donkey's tail, pinata, marshmallow contest...

"iway ano naman tong marshmallow contest?"

"e di ba mommy yan yung kuwento mo sa akin dati?

"ano yun hindi ko na maalala e"

"di ba sabi mo dati bibigyan mo kami ng marshmallow tapos kung sino ang kumain agad siya ang taya?

"a, hindi marshmallow contest, marshmallow test yun."

"ay, e di sige chocolate contest na lang."

i swear totoo yang dialogue na yan hahahaha.

how

2005-04-06T22:47:00.000-07:00

how do you approach grace?

how should you approach grace?

how must you feel if you suddenly realize you have in your possession a gift so blessed it overwhelms you, it pricks you and insults your utter inadequacy?

must you ask for a justification?

the pope

2005-04-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

is dead. and i have a little story to tell.

1995 was world youth day. it was also the my first year in ateneo. i joined my local church in the world youth day celebration. we sang and danced and prayed and slept at luneta overnight. the next day, we woke up to the specter of nearly getting trampled by the huge throng.

but i got to see the pope in his passing popemobile while we were looking for a place to pee.

it has been a long time ago. at the same time, it's felt like a blur.

and although looking at cnn, i felt a certain longing for 1995, a certain loss with the death of this man, it was also inevitable of me to feel, certainly, hindi na ako yun.

tula! tula!

2005-03-28T19:53:00.000-08:00

courtesy of Nikka. lovely piece of daddy angst cum ecstasy. i just love the mild sarcasm, the self-deprecating tone of the language, and even more surprisingly, the tenderness as well. and i don't even think the poet's a dad! or is it because of that? :)

A Father at His Son’s Baptism
Amy Gerstler

Cutlet carved from our larger carcasses:
thus were you made—from spit and a hug.
The scratchy stuff you’re lying on is wool.
You recognize the pressure of your mother’s hand.
That white moon with a bluish cast is a priest’s face,
frowning over a water bowl. Whatever befalls you now,
you’ve been blessed, in a most picturesque
and ineffective ceremony dating from the Middle Ages.
Outdoors, the church lawn radiates a lethal green.
A gas truck thunders down the street.
Why, at emotional moments, do the placid trees
and landscape look overexposed, almost ready
to bleach away, and reveal the workings
of “the Real” machine underneath?
All bundled up on such a hot day:
whose whelp, pray tell, or mutton chop are you?
--tail-less, your cloudy gaze a vague accusation,
not of the sins of my history, but ignorance
to come, future cruelty. You’re getting red
in the face, blotchy, ready to wail. Good.
From now on protest and remember everything.
Your cries assail even the indigent dead,
buried in charity plots right outside,
slowly releasing their heat, while you
born out of the blue into a wheezing spring,
watch a chaotic mosaic assemble itself.
You tune up. My love for you is half adrenaline,
half gibberish. More Latin and the priest
splatters you. He’s got one good eye,
and a black patch, like a pirate.
Now, smiling as if he knows something I don’t,
he hands you to me. If I drop you, loudmouth,
will you bounce or fly? You were chalky
and bloody at first, in the doctor’s grip,
looking skinned and inside-out.
Boyhood, a dangling carrot. I stare at you
and experience the embarrassment of riches. I
need to loosen my tie or I’ll faint.
Outside a rake scrapes, sprinklers hiss.
It might be best to set you down
in one of these squares of light on the floor,
stripped by venetian blinds, and leave you safe
in that bright cage. I could go have coffee,
and come back when we can carry on
a conversation. Men and women are afraid
of each other. It’s true. Whisper
and drool of my flesh, I’m terrified of you.

one day i will write a story about this

2005-03-08T22:42:00.000-08:00

makulit na yung pangalawang anak ko, si igo. lalo na ngayong naipanganak na yung bunso niyang kapatid. makulit na nakakatuwa. makulit na nakakapagpakulo ng dugo. makulit na kulit-bata.

minsan nasa simbahan kami at nakikinig sa homily. ang kulit na naman niya. sa inis ko, sabi ko sa kanya, wag ka makulit. pag makulit ka bababa si Jesus tapos ikaw ipapalit nya dun sa krus.

tumahimik naman. natakot yata. pero mayamaya bumulong sa akin.

"pangit kaw, dadi."

nagulat ako at napatingin sa kanya. nakatawa siya at humahagikgik. a ganun ha eto'ng iyo! "mas pangit ka!"

"uu ka dadi!"
"puwit ka naman!"
"wiwi ka dadi!"

ayan natahimik na ako. bad example ata ako hehe. hindi ko na lang pinansin.

"tuhod ka dadi!"

huh? hehe. natawa na lang ako nang tahimik. sinakyan ko na lang siya. at least harmless. "ilong ka naman!"

"buhok kaw dadi!" tuwang tuwa siya sa sinasabi niya. hindi naman siya makatawa kasi pinagbawalan na rin ng nanay niya.

"ikaw naman tiyan!"
"ngipin kaw dadi!"
"kilikili ka naman!"

nanahimik saglit. naubusan ata. tapos humirit ulit:

"bintana kaw dadi!"

nyahahahahahaha

"pinto ka, dadi!"
"bubong ka naman!"
"hagdan ka dadi!"
"kisame ka naman!"

tapos kinurot na kami ni misis. ang kukulet daw namin. makes me wonder, ano kayang kinabukasan ang naghihintay para sa ganitong batang may ganitong ama? wag nyo nang saguti n ang tanong! rhetorical yan! nyahahaha!

hay

2005-02-09T21:57:00.000-08:00

andami talagang ass hole sa mundo, hehehe. pero para sa post na ito, sisikapin kong iwasang magsulat tungkol sa mga yan. sayang lang ng enerhiya hehe.

ilang araw na rin akong umuuwing patang-pata. medyo stressful ang linggong ito.

kahapon nilagnat ako. nung isang araw naman nagsimulang parang sipunin. pero kanina wala na namang nararamdaman. konting pahinga lang siguro.

may maganda rin namang nangyari sa linggong ito dahil sa wakas ay nagkaroon na ng byahe ng bus na hihinto mismo sa labas lang ng opisina. maliit na ginhawa pero malaking pagpapasalamat sa kanila sa kanilang naisip. :)

sana makasulat ulit ako ng tula. o kuwento.

belated new year post

2005-01-15T23:48:00.000-08:00

bertdey ni adine last week. kahapon nagpakain siya sa shakeys katips. daming food! mukhang sa loob ng tatlong araw ay nagkarga ako ng sampung kilo. ewan lang kung saan napunta.

pero malamang, kung ganito nang ganito, pasasaan ba't tataba rin ako.

lagi kong matatandaan ang 2004 bilang taon ng napakaraming pagbabago.

ang gulo. napakagulo talaga.

syempre, naroon ang bagong work, na pinirmahan kon ung bandang disyembre, kahit na effective january pa. sa skul nalaman nila ito noong december 1. nagkaroon sila ng humigit-kumulang sa 40 araw ng paghahanda.

ano nga ba ako sa katapusan noong ng 2003?

simpleng guro, simpleng mag-isip, kahit na paminsan- minsan ay iniistorbo ng mga kahilingan ng mga tao sa academics office para sa mga input ko tungkol sa nilulutong mga pagbabago. deadma lang. pag nariyan ang kailangang gawin, ginagawa naman.

tapos bigla akong ginawang department head. hindi na pwedeng pasimple simple lang. dami ko bigla naunawaan, na pag nasa taas ka, parang walang pahinga. parang dapat one step ahead ka lagi. kahit boss mo dapat one step ahead ka sa kanya. alam mo dapat kung ano susunod nyang gagawin, at kung ano ang susunod mong gagawin.

parang chess. player ako dati ng chess. para maging mahusay, dapat kaya mong ianticipate ang susunod na limang noves mo at limang moves ng kalaban mo. ang mga grandmaster daw kaya ang 35 moves each. so salamat sa chess.

hindi na kasi ako masaya. i mean, matagal na rin naman akong tumitingin-tingin sa labas ng bintana, pinagmamasdan kung ano kaya ang nasa labas. pero nung magkaroon ng kahungkagan sa sistema, saka naging tulak ang dating mungkahi lamang. saka ako talagang naghanap.

2004 din ang taon ng paglaki ng tiyan ko. asar ni macoy, "asan?? balat lang yan!" pero tsong, meron na talaga. pati ikaw meron na. hehe. yung dati kong paspasan sa basketbol, wala na. nitong 2004 ko lang naramdaman ang pananakit ng puson, hindi dahil may pinipigil akong dapat nang ilabas ha, kundi dahil sa katatakbo sa basketbol at kapipihit at kapipilipit para lang maka lay up. para lang makapuntos. walastik. puro jump shot na lang tuloy.

sa wakas din, nag-ahit na ako ng bigote nitong 2004. shocking ba kung sasabihin kong ito ang unang pagkakataon na nag ahit ako? ano ba'ng magagawa ko e sa hindi ako mabuhok.

ano pa ba?

wala akong napublish nitong 2004. kahit isang katawa-tawang tula. kahit pambalot ng tinapa. kahit utot sa bungo. wala.

promises this year: maregular sa bagong work.makalahati ang lahat ng utang, para next year naman ay mawala na ang lahat ng utang. magkaroon ng passport at drivers license. makabalik sa boracay. makatravel abroad. all in twelve months.

i am having this feeling that 05 will be a banner year of a different kind for me. i feel parang consolidation phase ako for this year, that is, master what i already know and what i am already in, and be more conservative in finances, political moves, and with the family. this is not the year for me to take much risk.

well, then, good luck to all of us in the year of the rooster!

hello

2005-01-15T23:35:00.000-08:00

baka nakalimutan nyo na ako.

kakatapos lang naman ng tatlong umaatikabong araw sa office. sa unang araw, nakamalas agad ng salpukan ng boss na hapon at kanyang pinoy na assistant. may topak ata tong hapon na to.

ikalawang araw, maraming tinagalang corporate profile and vision presentations. info overload. daming kailangang sauluhin.

ikatlong araw, national conference. humawak ng registration ng mga instructors na may apelyidong a-c. hindi kosila kakilala at hindi rin nila ako kakilala. buti na lang makulit ang partner ko. at ease agad. whole day, bagaman masarap naman ang food sa makati shangrila, buong araw din na tense, inaalala kung may mangyayari bang masama na ikasasabog na naman ng topak ng hapon, hehe. wala namang nangyari. milagro daw, sabi ng mga kasamahan ko.

so far, marami akong natututuhan dito. i am fascinated by how much the office reveals so much to me by merely sweating in a day. i get to know who is in the loop and who's not, and more importantly, why. i am still trying to calculate how the japanese boss really works. i can sense a not so secret hostility between him and the staff. at this point, i am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, and merely attribute the friction to cultural differences.

i mean, he cannot stand pinoy work habits daw, like texting at work, not taking notes in meetings, taking naps during office time, using the office phone for personal calls, and all other such things. on the other hand, we pinoys tend to hate micromanagers, those who continually pester us, hehe. the japanese are famous (notorious?) for being such workaholics, and for continuously "apologizing" for some perceived inability to help.

although last thursday, i saw him eavesdropping at meetings twice in one afternoon. is that still cultural? OC ba lahat ng mga hapon? or, is it a sign of what one colleague told me, a latent contempt against the pinoy?

abangan...

o sige na nga sabihin ko na

2004-12-14T01:40:00.000-08:00

aalis na ako sa present work ko. guess after 7 years, it's time to venture into new things. i'll be leaving behind friends and mentors who have helped me grow a lot, and given me the opportunities to be confident about what i do. naiiyak nga ako nung kinakusap ko yung executive director. aba, dito rin ako nag high school, at nbung nasa college naman ako, andito ng 4 years din ang utol ko. then after college, this was my first job. bale halos 15 years ding karugtong ko ang skul kong ito. hindi na nga ata ako maimadyin ng mga tao na hindi connected dito.

yung papasukan ko namang bagong work, medyo challenging sa akin. training people ang siste. tapos may byahe all over the country. may training din sa singapore. so medyo nagustuhan ko na kahit na halos pareho lang ang pay. pwede pa akong magfranchise. so i was thinking, since im still just 27, might as well take all chances in the place which will allow me to learn many new things. baka magamit pa sa future, kung sakali mang magtayo ako ng sarili kong school.

yun lang. ngayon ko lang sinulat kasi kung last wk pa malamang emo pa ako. ngayon, well, masaya na rin hehe. pasko naman e. :)

the customary eheads blog

2004-12-12T22:34:00.000-08:00

seems everybody in his twenties has a blog entry, or is in the process of writing, or has vowed to write something, anything about the most famous band of the alternative boom of the nineties, the eraserheads.

i am writing this entry just because some former student of mine was so freaking burned out he posted the song "torpedo" in his blog, but with the sacrilege of mistyping several important words in the ending verse of that song, which, i was spurred to inform him, just happened to be one of our anthems in college. but i have a class in an hour and i still don't have an idea what to tell my smart students about the art of fiction writing blah blah. thus, i am doing this entry with the clock speed of a pentium 4, without any allowance for editing aside from the typos, just so the principal wont have anything bad to say about me when it comes to goodbye time in january (will write about that some other time).

so here. i am surprised to find out that of the four, only ely buendia's and raymund marasigan's names have stuck to my mind, probably due to the fact that ely was only the most famous among the four, and raymund formed sandwich, a side band which became so fucking famous he just had to get it from ely. or ely just had to get it from raymund. and ely ditched eheads and the world was never the same again.

who knows, ill maybe remember the names of the bassist and the leadista later. but really, the leadista surely must be the most pathetic part of the band. his riffs didnt amount to much, in such songs as "huling el bimbo". in torpedo, ely's rhythm would even knock off some lines from the lead guitarist, making him you know, redundant, and reducing him to nothing more than a grand piece of grunge decor on stage. the parokya have a better term for it: kantatero sa likod.

sino nga siya ulit? im beginning to lose hope.

but then the bassist was easily the most technically gifted of the lot, second only perhaps to raymund. i remember "ligaya" and the catchy bass line. or my all-time favorite masturbation of an eraserheads song, "combo on the run." but still, ely the megalomaniac, would occasionally steal lines from him. or compose a song such that the bassist's lines are basically just repetitions of ely's rhythm. imagine "alapaap." pag gumagawa si ely ng riff, laging bida ang rhythm guitar. kaya nga type na type ko ang mga kanta nila kasi pwedeng tugtugin ng isa ang tinutugtog ng tatlo, hehehe. pwedeng pwede mong tugtugin sa inuman at mag tunog album ka rin. get it?

i used to know someone who claims to have been a part of ely's first attempts at forming a band college-time in UP and he totally scoffs at his ability as a musician. but who the fuck cares?

just look at "combo on the run". only true eheads fanatics would know this song. as i said, i am writing this straight from my head. so i am immediately posting an apology on any and all deformities.

COMBO ON THE RUN, ebuendia, "ultraelectromagneticpop"

we took the trip by boat
into the promised land
to sing a different note
man, i don't understand
we wanted their attention
our balls went up so high
they wanted too much poison
and warrant's cherry pie
it's a crying, crying, crying shame
we didn't have no dough
we didn't have no clue
we lived the life of kings
and [] some royals too
we looke like cheesy rock stars
our pictures on the wall
with robin's peckaloids
[ahsglkja]
i wanna go home now
back to my old home town
where i'll be singing the blues
let's stop this running around
i miss the people there im just saying this but baby you can bet your puwet that i'll do it again some time for the money, combo on the run!

sarap ng huling linyang yun. in the words of almost famous, incendiary. indeed, bet your puwet, starstruck!!!!!!

pag ang luha natuyo, muta!

2004-12-12T21:21:00.000-08:00

pag tinatanong ako tungkol sa kabuluhan ng tinuturo kong literatura sa mga estudyante kong hindi naman magiging mga manunulat, lagi kong sinasagot sila, pag walang literatura, ang boring siguro ng mundo.

palagay ko, lahat ng gustong maging guro ng literatura ay nakapanood ng dead poets society. andun si robin williams, ang gurong walang pakundangan. pinunit niya ang buong preface ng textbook ng kanyang school tungkol sa literatura, yung bahaging sinulat daw ng isang PhD, tungkol sa kakayahan ng literatura na masukat sa x- at y- axes. galit na galit siya dun. "Tear it off, I say to you, tear it off!" or words to that effect. ang buong klase ay naging isang klase ng pagpupunit at pagbubuslo ng punit na mga pahina sa basurahan.

hindi ko makakalimutan ang kanyang sinabi. parang ganito: kung nais ninyong maging mga abugado, negosyante, nawa'y maging mahuhusay kayong mga ganito. oo nga, lalo na siguro para sa isang bansang kagaya natin. kailangan natin ng mga alagad ng agham at produksiyon at teknolohiya upang umangat ang kabuhayan natin. magkaroon ng industriya siguro. maging mahusay nawa kayo.

ngunit bagaman mahuhusay kayong negosyante at abugado at doktor at inhinyero at siyentipiko, hindi kayo nabubuhay para rito. nasa literatura lamang ang mga bagay na siyang dahilan ng ating ikinabubuhay, hindi lamang ng ating kabuhayan.tulad ng love, ng meaning o kawalan nito, tulad ng pagkaimbyerna. inbyerna sa trabaho, pero sa literatura, sining ito.

ngunit kung tanggap na ngang kailangan ng literatura, ang susunod na tanong ay oo, ngunit literatura sa anong wika?

dahil litfil ako, at kaisa-isang litfil sa ateneo ng batch namin, ang pusta ko siyempre pa ay sa wikang katutubo. para sa akin, may nawawala sa imahinasyon kapag puro great books ang binabasa.

nakakatawang isipin, great books of civilization pero puro Greeks, Romans, at Europeans (and by extension, Americans) ang laman ng kurso nina Fr. Galdon noon. buti medyo nagpapapasok na sila ngayon ng Asians, Afro, at LatAms. pero great books? ewan. bawat lahi siguro ay may sariling naratibo na kailangang matutuhan niya at maisapuso. kung hindi (o kung walang itinuturo) mamaliitin niya ang kanyang sarili. kakawawain lang niya. lagi niyang susukatin ang kanyang produksiyon sa produksiyon ng ibang lahi. at isa itong siklong paulit-ulit at self-defeating. dahil ang panukat niya ay galing sa iba, natural na hindi "aabot" sa pamantayan ang kanyang gawa. kaya lalo siyang maaawa sa kaniyang sarili. paulit-ulit na tungkag na proseso.

pero kung susuriin ang sarili, napakayaman ng imahinasyon ng ating mga likha, at sinasabi ko iyan hindi bilang guro ng isang asignaturang nagpapakaimportante lamang. sinasabi ko iyan bilang isang estudyante rin.

naalala ko lang yung sa alamat ng pinya. mga mata daw yun ng batang ayaw maghanap at sumunod sa magulang. naisip ko lang, pwede rin kayang isipin kung gayon na ang pagbabalat ng pinya ay isang uri ng pagbubulag? ["a harvest of (blue) eyes" -- sa isang kuwento ni octavio paz] nasa pinya kaya si medusa, ang titig na nanunuklaw? mas magaling kaya tayo sa mga Griyego dahil ang representasyon ng "super-mata" sa kanila ay halimaw samantalang ang sa atin ay pagkain, masarap na pagkain?

o yung isang bugtong tungkol sa mata na paborito ko: isang dagat-dagatan, nababakod ng danglay. imagine that! ang mata bilang dagat! pwede kaya akong maglakbay sa ibabaw ng iyong balintataw? o malunod kaya sa iyong mga titig? mamingwit ng mga alaala sa "pungay ng iyong mga mata"? ang iyong muta bilang panis na perlas?

maraming- marami pa. lalo na siguro yung mga galing sa mga katutubong tribo pa. yung aborihinal talaga, sa tunay na kahulugan ng salitang aborihinal: walang simula, walang orihen.

haay! pag nakakarinig ako ng nagsasabing the more you read, the more you feel like there is a lot more that needs to be read, naiisip ko, oo nga. lalo na sa pilipinas, kung saan ang mga dapat basahin ay nakabaon pa sa limot at deadma. kailangan pang alalahanin.

ang OBng praning

2004-12-07T01:29:00.000-08:00

so 'yun, ganun.

nung bago biyakin ang tiyan ni misis, dalawa pa kaming kinakabahan para sa opersyon kasi alam nyo na, kahit ano pa'ng sabihin ng doktor at anesthesiologist, major operation pa rin yun. pag nalinsad nang kaunti ang turok ng anesthesiologist, lantang gulay na si misis. pag nagkamali naman ng tahi si doktor, hindi maitatago ng tato ang alupihan sa kanyang puson. buti kung cosmetic lang ang problema. e paano kung makaiwan ng scalpel o perdible sa loob ng tiyan ni misis? ang galing pa nung isa naming nakausap na kaibigan sa pharmacy. nagkakaso na daw yung ob namin kasi nung isang beses daw e natahi pati puwet nung babae. sa puwerta lumalabas ang dumi. matinding UTI daw ang inabot at siyempre, sakit. wow. ang sayang pampalubag-loob. talaga.

abnormal pa 'tong OB namin. parang laging hilong ewan. parang laging hindi alam na doktor siya.
"Naresetahan na ba kita? ano nga pangalan mo? Kelan nga ba due date mo?"
"Doc, next week na po. sinabi ko na sa inyo last week na next na po ako."
"A ok."

Hayup talaga.

"Doc, nung last kong operasyon, nagkaallergy ako sa ginamit na sinulid."
"A wag kang mag-alala kasi stapler ang ginagamit ko."
Medyo lang naman, hindi kami nakapagsalita agad. "Stapler, doc? A- ano yun?"
"Malalaman mo din."

Hayup. Tama ba namang pagsasalita yan sa medyo praning nang pasyenteng katulad namin? HIndi ba dapat e pakalmahin niya kami by telling us how a fucking stapler was in any way related to my wife's womb?

So ganun. nov 22 dapat ang delivery para kabertdey ko. andun na kami 10 am pa lang at naghihintay. andun na daw si doc pero wala pa yung anesthesiologist kaya hintay muna. nilagyan na ng dextrose si misis. tang ina ang sakit daw maglagay ng nurse, mukhang bagong graduate (later on naconfirm ko nga ng mga bagong graduate ang mga pacute na nurse na yun). bawal na daw kumain si misis. hintay kami, hintay pa. wala kaming kasama sa room. kaya wala lang, tawanan, asaran. pagdating ng 6 ng gabi, cancel na lang daw yung operasyon kasi may meeting na si OB namin. bukas na lang daw. so hindi ko na kabertdey ang baby ko. hayup talaga.

BUTI NA LANG TALAGA MUKHA NGANG MAGALING ANG OB NA YUN!!!

walang impeksiyon ang sugat, kahit na, wow, oo nga, stapler nga ang ginamit. staple wires na pambalat. yun daw ang ginagamit sa cardio cases, pero sabi niya, siya lang daw ang OB na gumagamit ng stapler. lahat daw ng iba sinulid kaya andaming bumubukang tahi.

pero nung huling follow up check up namin sa kanya, nung putulin nya ang mga nakalitaw na staple wires (matutunaw daw yung mga nakalubog sa balat), siningil kmai ng 500. hayup talaga.

eto pa!

2004-12-05T21:37:00.000-08:00

salamat kay nikka para sa tips, gayundin kay macoy (though wala daw tinatanggap ngayon na bagong free account ang photobucket, brad!) :)

eto na!

2004-12-05T21:18:00.000-08:00

pagkaguwapong bata. :)

jose gabriel

2004-12-01T01:32:00.000-08:00

hindi pa ako marunong magpost ng pics pero kapag natuto ako, ilalagay ko agad dito. proud daddy ulit ang inyong lingkod. waang kasing sarap ang pakiramdam :)

and so it 's come to this

2004-12-01T01:28:00.000-08:00

lahat may katapusan.

paano mo itatapon ang pitong taon?

"in between" (days?)

2004-11-18T01:25:00.000-08:00

i haven't been able to sleep well these past few weeks. as a consequence, i've come down with a bad case of flu. what's worse, since next week would be the day of reckoning with the wifey and the baby, i can't afford to skip any day's work. i need to cram into five days what i must finish in ten.

so what grand scheme have i been up to, anyway?

i can't totally divulge yet what it exactly is (baka mausog!), but suffice it to say that it involves work. raket. vocation. whatever you choose to call it. i'm in the middle of a big decision involving work, and just thinking about it keeps me awake all night. i just can't help it when im in my worrier mode.

i'm not actually prone to worrying too much. it's just that things like this don't come too often for me. it's as if i am a neophyte again. and i have to rethink again (yes i know, that was redundant hehehe) what my plans are for myself, my family and my work.

days like these, when i feel each direction has it's own promise and that therefore the choice between the two can be reduced to flimsy reasons as whether i feel like this way or the other, i feel utterly non-rational (kaya nga feel e). i feel powerless. i feel stupid. i feel reckless. damn, i hate recklessness. nothing gnaws at my guilt more than recklessness.

days like these, i resort to prayer.

idol ko si c(r)ap

2004-11-17T18:59:00.000-08:00

read in philstar that long-time purefoods Captain alvin patrimonio has retired. so i thought maybe i'd say something.

mixed feelings here, of course. he was the first (and i surmise, the ONLY) basketball player that my then thirtysomething mom had a crush on. his tisoy looks and killer smile made him the foremost glamour boy of the PBA, and his erstwhile "clean" play earned him the respect of a lot of us ballplayers who hated the way Jaworski would throw the requisite elbow to the kisser and get away with it.

it was alvin who made the PBA wholesome, and Purefoods, the ultimate antithesis against that Jologs Barangay made up of the likes of Romulo Mamaril and Dante Gonzalgo. the only time that my family enthusiastically watched the PBA All-filipino finals was when Purefoods fought Ginebra (or whatever La tondena chose it to carry, Anejo ata) to a thrilling Game 5 in 1988. Purefoods was brimming with talent, with the likes of alvin, jolas, jerry codinera, and glenn capacio, while Ginebra was, well, Ginebra. you can't take anything away from Ginebra, except that they really fought like it'd be the end of the world if they lost. it was as if they wanted to put one over these papogi guys who were, mind you, just rookies then. purefoods lost that one.

purefoods lost a lot of championship series after that. they were perennial allfilipino contenders but would always be reduced to whimpering patsies come the import-laced conferences. gosh, who the hell was their scout anyway who kept on sending lemons for imports??? i would always envy ginebra because their imports were always explosive players.

and so alvin's purefoods won only 5 championships in 17 years. not bad, really, especially taking into account the wave after wave of rookies and changes that alvin had to battle through. he had an immediate impact when he came into the league, as a power forward who was content with receiving the ball with his back to the basket a few feet from a short stab and a sure two points. he would work his way to the hoop by banging his butt against his defender, gaining space inch by inch in such a way that made them look like dancing crabs. it wasn't pleasing to the eye, but hey, it was effective.

the influx of filams and bigger pinoys exposed him as an undersized post threat. and despite all the commercials involving him, he couldn't even dunk! he tried moving to small forward by developing a respectable three point shot, but i suppose, you just can't be the same again, as a player, after that. he wasn't fast and agile enough to be a slasher, but neither was he consistent enough to be a pure receive-the-ball-and-shoot marksman. in other words, he became quite ordinary. he faded away.

also, i still remember that the whole family watched his movie with regal films. it included jerry codinera and bong alvarez (si mr excited!) and the very very young triplets, carmina villaroel, ruffa gutierrez, and somebody else i already forgot. it was crap.

kumusta?

2004-11-17T01:57:00.000-08:00

paano kung ayaw mo na?

hungkag ang mag-isip kapag ang paligid ay para nang isang salaulang mangingibig, saka, samantala naman kasi'y kailangan mo ring isipin kung ikaw ba'y hindi rin nagbago.

"Burnout," Sugarfree.
wag mo akong kulitin, wag mo akong tanungin, dhail katulad mo, ako rin ay nagbago

natatandaan mo ba nuong una tayong magkita? isa kang tala. isa kang alaala. isa kang damdaming katulad nang minsang madiskubre kong marunong pala akong maggitara. magaling pala akong maggitara. kaya ko pala magpaiyak ng gitara. kaya ko palang umiyak sa gitara nang hindi lumuluha. ang luha ko ay parang kanta. ang kanta ko ay parang tawa.

at umiikot ang paligid kahit walang gumagalaw. at ikaw ay nabibighani kahit hindi ko alam ang dahilan.

"Torpedo," Eraserheads
mababaw lang talaga ang luha ko

ang alaala ay isang puta na katalik ko gabi-gabi. ang alaala ay isang puta na katalik ko gabi-gabi. ang alaala ay isang puta na katalik ko gabi-gabi.

"Senti," Yano
mahal ka ba niya talaga? mahal ka ba niya talaga?

"ako, mahal kita. mahal na mahal, mahal na mahal, mahal na mahal, mahal na mahal..."

paano kung ayaw mo na?

kasalan(an)

2004-11-12T19:42:00.000-08:00

maraming ikakasal sa mga darating na buwan sa mga kakilala at kaibigan. ilan na rin ang mga kasalang naganap, at may ilang di ko napuntahan.

yung kasal ni kumare, ang ganda ganda raw niya. hindi ko napuntahan dahil nagsa-lampa na naman ako sa basketbol at tinapakan ng kanang paa ko ang sarili kong kaliwang paa matapos kong tumalon para habulin ang naknangtinapang bola. buwisit. dumarami ang mga kapalpakan ko sa basketbol ngayon. nung isang buwan lang, natuhog ng frame ng salamin ko ang kaliwang pisngi dahil sa katangahang hindi masalo ang rebound. ay hindi, ang mas tanga pala ay ang paglalaro ko nang nakasalamin. tang ina talaga. buti na lang sangtuldok lang yung butas, though butas talaga ang itsura. agos ang dugo. parang hinog na hinog pimple na biglang tiniris.

yung kasal ni kumare ang hindi ko napuntahan.

ang ganda ganda raw niya. sabagay, sabi ko, sa pagkakaalala ko kay kumare, talagang maganda siya pag ngumingiti. ibang klase. singkit kasi, kaya nawawala ang mata. pati mga mata ngumingiti! so iniimagine ko ang itsura niya kapag nakangiti, ngunit ngayon ay nakasuot ng traje de boda. hmmm.... malamang pagkaganda-ganda nga. parang, parang, parang masaya siya talaga.

mahirap kasing umasa.

wala talaga iyan sa haba ng panahon. ilang taon din silang mag-on tapos sa iba rin napakasal si kumare. sa isang taong nakilala niya sa nakalipas lamang na tatlong taon.

naalala ko yung isa ko namang kumpare. matindi yun. may syota ng 7 years tapos binreyk lang. tapos nagsyota naman ng mas bata sa kanya ng 7 years. imagine, tong bagong syota nya e elementary school kid pa lang nung sagutin sya ni syota number 1. asaran nga e, pinalaki ba, habang may ka-on hehehehe. naging mag on sila ng 5 years bago sila nagpakasal nitong nakaraang taon lang. tapos honeymoon baby daw. dyontis agad!

o yung isa ko ring kumare (marami po kasing ninong at ninang ang dalawa kong anak :)). akala namin bading ang syota niya. ginagamit lang siyang cover. tapos bigla na lang buntis pala. joskopo. so ikinasal sila bigla. at ang lalagkit ng kanilang tingin sa photos nila. pero nung congratulatory handshakes na, hindi ko mapigilang mapansin ang 1) malagkit na tingin ni mister sa aking pundiya, at 2) ang malagkit na pagpisil ng kamay niya sa kamay ko. Ilusyon lang yon brad!!!! yan ang paulit ulit kong sinabi sa aking sarili. wala namang masamang papaniwalain ko ang sarili ko dun di ba? lalo na't mukhang masaya naman si kumare.

next month, isa pang kumare ang ikakasal. sa long time bf nya rin. medyo makulay na rin ang kuwento ng pag ibig nila pero medyo expected na naming sila ang magkakatuluyan. mula LB hanggang davao hanggang singapore hanggang ngayon, balik manila. talagang history together.

next year, tatlo ang ikakasal. isang kumpare, at dalawang kakilala. ewan lang kung matutuloy ang mga plano nila.

paano ba naman, si kumpare number 1, tangina biglang niyaya ang isa kong ex-kaklaseng matagal na ata niyang pinagpapantasyahan para magbeach. HANU DAW POOOO???!!! hokey lang, mga binata't dalaga pa naman kayo e. bahala kayo dyan. malalaki na kayo. di nyo na kailangan si papadyep para sa mga usaping ganyan.

si kakilala number 1 naman, na isang girl, medyo matindi ang pinagdaanan. daig pa ata ang french short story na nabasa ko ("Ang pulang unano") sa tindi ng dinaanang relationships/misrelationships. wish ko sana nga ito na. pero medyo nangangamba ako for her. para kasing she's approaching this as some sort of healing. ewan lang, feeling ko pag broken ka at may self-destructive tendencies, ang healing dapat manggaling sa loob ng tao, hindi sa labas. kung lover ang magiging healer, dapat maging sobrang loving at patient niya, though, i think, the man does come across as precisely those two things. kumbaga, kung meron mang tao sa daigdig na kayang gawin yun for her and to her, sya na nga yun, yung pakakasalan nya. so i say, good luck sa inyong dalawa. :)

si kakilala number 2, hula lang. vague pa. hinihintay ko pa. sabi ko, kelan ka papakasal, pag me kasalanan na? pag buntis ka na? sagot nya, pag nabuntis ako, hindi pa rin ako papakasal. ayus din hehehe. she's one smart girl. :)

US elections

2004-11-05T20:11:00.000-08:00

im not gonna say anything significant.

zep maybe that we can all start singing "it's the end of the world as we know it!"

at dahil ginaganahan ako ngayon

2004-10-30T02:14:00.000-07:00

sabihin na nating kanta ako nang kanta kanina sa kalye nang walang kawawaang awiting nagmula pa sa panahong una akong natutong mag gitara. bread. kung sino man ang nakakaalam nito, lekat wala nang pagkukunwari! i absolutely adore david gates!!!!

diary
i found her diary underneath a tree
and started reading about me
the words sh'e'd written took me by surprise
youd never read them i nher eyes

they said that she had found the love shed waited for
wouldn't u know it
she wouldnt show it

then she confronted with her writings there
simply pretended not to care
i passed it off as just in keeping with
her total disconcertign air

and though she tried to hide the love that she denied
wouldn't u know it
she wouldn't show it

and as i go through my life
i will wish for her my wife
all the sweet things she can find

i found her diary underneath a tree
and started reading about me
the dwords began to stick and tears to flow
her meaning now is clear to see

the love she'w waited for was someone else not me
wouldn't you know it
she wouldn't show

and as i go through my life
i will wish for her his wifeall the sweet things she can find
all the sweet thinds they can find.

o di ba tangina ang lufet. senting senti!

aubrey

and aubrey was her name
a not so very ordinary girl or name
but who's to blame
for a love that wouldn't bloom,
for the hearts that never played in tune?

like a lovely melody that everyone can sing
take away the words that rhyme it doesn't mean a thing

a ewan. nakakasuka na to hehe. tsaka nakakatamad. basta nung nagsisimula pa lang kami maggitara, aubrey ang sukatan ng mahusay na bata. matindi kasi ang plucking. pag nagawa mo yan, ayos ka na!!!!

tsaka yung dust in the wind. tsaka yung stairway to heaven. tsaka yung sweet child o' mine. yun ang mga kahayupang pinagdaanan ko hehehe. pero laging bread. hindi ko nga maintindihan bakit yun ang pangalan nila.

house of flying daggers

2004-10-30T01:40:00.000-07:00

only two names needed to make me willing to shell out 400 bucks to see the movie. zhang yimou and zhang zhiyi.

matagal-tagal na rin akong fan ni zhang yimou. road home (reportedly also zhang ziyi's first camera appearance), that movie with a fetish for zhang zi yi's face; not one less, that one that can only strike a chord inside any teacher with delusions of self-importance...i think all teachers MUST HAVE this delusional sense of self-importance and civic duty in order to be successful, but more on that in some other posts.

as usual, napakaganda pa rin ni zhang ziyi. kilala siya ng mga tao dahil sa "hero," at sa "crouching tiger, hidden dragon." but really, in hero, she was nothing more than a bit player. sayang ang byuti nya. sa crouching tiger talaga lumabas ang kanyang ganda.

sa house of flying daggers, ganun pa rin. kahit patalsikan ng putik, naknangtupa, ang ganda pa rin niya. pansin ninyo, nauubos ang bokabularyo ko pagdating sa kanya. wala. maganda talaga e. yun lang ang makasasapat. tsaka siguro tahimik na pagtulala sa kanyang mukha.

pinansin na ni nikka yung eksena ng pagtingala sa langit matapos magtalik nina zhang ziyi at takeshi kaneshiro (ang bagong pinagpapantasyahan ni gerald ramos). dinepensahan na niya laban sa pagpuna ng isang kaklase na parang wala daw iyong kuwenta.

i think i'll have to agree with nikka here (uy! yun ang title ng blog niya!:)). call it perverse or sentimental, but that scene could never have been draggy. if at all, it was so blatantly fragile. i was anticipating a few soldiers on ooone hand, or members of the flying daggers on the other, to come anytime from under the trees and run after them. looking back, i think that was the only moment they had for themselves alone. i particularly like the nuances of lying down on a field of grass. conjures up images of sting ("fields of gold") simultaneous with my own experiences of lying down on grass. and im not even talking about THAT kind of grass they equate to heaven! hehehe. marley man!

asar lang ako sa tipo ng ending. as in, can't you just die now? i mean, well, the film was obviously going for epic time, as opposed to realistic time, but really, how much of the film prepared us for that kind of treatment? parang half-hearted yung epic thing. parang sumobra. parang in the end, it was more of an adornment, a chance to showcase once again zhang yimou's famous eye for capturing luscious scenes in the big screen. medyo letdown nang konti.

pero as usual, astig ang fight scenes. astig ang costumes. astig ang camera shots at angles. astig kung paanong napakaepektibo ng simpleng storyline.

tinext ko tuloy si mareng dot, ano ba ang "mei"? bulaklak in general o isang specific type of flower? wala lang. baka may dagdag na level ng meaning. yun kasi ang name ni zhang ziyi. pinansin ni kaneshiro yun sa simula ng film, ung bakit ang pangalan niya ay pangalan ng bulaklak.

at bakit 400 bucks ba kamo?

remember my earlier post about the surprise party for my wife? i had to bring her to the movies while the students set up in the house. but halfway through the movie, mama was already texting me like hell to go home because the students were done already. so we went home, and my wife was just plain freaked out. then he birthday party freaked her out some more.

kinabukasan, piannood namin ulit. :)

kakatamad/kakatamod

2004-10-30T01:37:00.000-07:00

tangina walang magawa sa bahay.

bakasyon kami hanggang nov 2. pasok na naman ng nov 3.

bertdey ko in 3 weeks time! batiin nyo ako ha! batiin nyo ako!!