There is no perfect life, only perfect moments.

What better reason to end all of this? :)


Gone soft

Yes, I have suddenly found myself liking Joey Albert songs. Used to be that I just dismissed her as music of my titas. But now, I'm checking this out:


I don't know why, but just hearing her voice again after all those years of headbanging to grunge music and pinoy alternative sort of woke up some latent childhood memories in me, when my aunts would listen to her on the radio.

And now that I got all of thirty years worth of experiences, I just know when a song's lyrics is top notch. Just look at how poignant these words are:

Sa bawat pag-ikot ng ating buhay
May oras na tayo'y kailangang maghiwalay
Puso'y lumaban man, walang magagawa
Saan pa, kailan ka muling mahahagkan?

Kulang man sa 'tin itong sandali
Alam ko na tayo'y magkikitang muli
Hangga't may umaga pa na haharapin
Ikaw lang ang mamahalin

Two short verses, man, and it's a complete song! Add Joey Albert's voice and you feel the hurt and hope floating there somewhere between the lines, between the notes. It is so heartfelt it becomes a prayer.

Conversely, I am starting to hate the juvenile music of Parokya ni Edgar. It's as if they forgot to grow up! And please, what is the point of another greatest hits compilation?

They say middle age for guys comes when they start to get more "in touch" with their feminine side. Where's my Rage Against the Machine when I need it?



They come into your life and you think you can handle them. You like to think you've prepared yourself well for them, made all the mental calculations on the budget, all the psychological preparations on what to do to pacify a wailing little human being, all the medical situations that can leave you sleepless and all that.

Good luck to you and what you have done.

Then they start growing up. They start asking you questions. They start developing personalities and quirks. You think you know where they got this penchant for gross stuff like booger and saliva. You think you know who they took their good looks from, but don't know exactly where they got their explosive temper. You find out you can't control how their behavior develops. You start to realize your kids are not your own flesh. They are different from you.

Then you look back at your own life and realize that this is just the start. Someday, your kids will leave you, too.


Coming full circle

Ever felt the feeling that after all that's happened, after everything that you've done to make progress, after all that you've given up to make things better, suddenly you feel that you're back to where it all began?

First things first. No short cuts. Everything comes back, like your turn to answer in a game show. You just hope that when it does, you're ready for it, and you can give a better account of yourself.


Some thoughts to share to someone just in case someone needed it

If I die today and I can leave a few last thoughts to my kids, lines that I have proved in my life to be true and which I want them to treasure as their own, they would be these lines:

1. To gain respect, exceed expectations.
2. To gain territory, grab it with both hands. Nobody will give it to you.
3. Sex is fun. Until you start thinking of babies.
4. The "ideal kids" you think of don't exist. It's similar to the "Ideal Wife/Husband." It's really just wishful thinking.
5. A reputation for integrity is the single most powerful asset any person can have. It is more powerful than a college degree, an office title, good looks, or intelligence. When a man with integrity speaks, absolutely everybody listens, including the GM.
6. You can't change anybody else. Change comes from within the person. He must first want to change before anyone can help him change.
7. Miracles really do happen. Period.
8. The faintest hope is more powerful than even the darkest of darkest despair. Even sometimes when love fails all around you, hope is enough to make you move on.
9. Agnosticism is the sorriest state of (dis)belief, not atheism. It is despicable in its laziness.
10. There is a God. And He can crack really funny jokes sometimes.



ever felt like giving up? that the good fight isn't worth it?

any crusade is only as good as its cause.

so what is a crusade's only enemy? it is not defeat in battle. crusaders will die if need be, but they will die with honor.

the only enemy is despair.


We' ve been friends for a long time ago. We come from the same alma mother.Actually, our paths crossed one time on another. But it's only now that Igave him a second look. I realized that beauty is in the eyes. The pulpbits of my heart went fast, really fast. Cute pala siya. And then, he came overwith me. He said, "I hope you don't mine. Can I get your number?" Nag-worryako. What if he doesn't give it back? He explained naman na it's so we could keep intact daw. Sabi ko, connect me if i'm wrong but are you askingme ouch? Nabigla siya. Sagot niya, The! Aba! Parang siya pa ang galit!Persona ingrata!!! Ang kapal niya! I cried buckles of tears.Na-guilty yata siya. Sabi niya, isipin mo na lang na this is a blessing inthe sky. Irregardless daw of his feelings, we'll go ouch na rin. Now, we'reso in love. Mute and epidemic na ang past. Thanks God we swallowed our fried. Kasi, I'm 33 na and I'm running our time. After 2 weeks, he ploppedthe question. "Will you marriage me?" I'm in a state of shocked. Kasimantakin mo, when it rains, it's four! This is true good to be true. So siyempre, I said yes. Love is a many splendor.Pero nung inaayos ko na ang aming kasal, everything swell to pieces.Nag-di-dinner kami noon nang biglang sa harap ng aming table, may babaenghumirit ng, "Well, well, well. Look do we hav e here." What the fuss! The nerd ng babaeng yon! She said they were still on. So I told her, whateveris that, cut me some slacks! I didn't want this to get our hand kaya I hadto sip it in the bud. She accused me of steeling her boyfriend. Ats if! I don't want to portrait the role of the other woman. Gosh, tell me to themarines! I told her, "please, mine you own business!" Who would believe heranyway?Dahil it's not my problem anymore but her problem anymore, tumigil na rin siya ng panggugulo. Everything is coming up daisies. I'm so happy. Even myboyfriend said liketwice. He's so supportive. Sabi niya, "Look at is thisway. She's our of our lives."Kaya advise ko sa inyo - take the risk. You can never can tell. Just burn the bridge when you get there. Life is shorts. If you make a mistake, we'lljust pray for the internal and external repose of your soul. I secondemotion.


what's so great, you ask?

finally me and the missus got to watch the cinemalaya film festival on its last day last Saturday. watched Endo (JD Castro) and Pisay (Aureus Solito) and was pleasantly surprised by how good they were. especially Pisay. I always knew Aureus Solito was a good visual storyteller. i was just afraid the film would be like Gawad Kalinga's films: sincere and honest, but well, propaganda. it was nice to really see that the film could be appreciated even by non-Pisay people.

so what's so great the last few days? it feels really good that finally i'm writing in my blog again. this is actually my blog's third year, but you'd never guess with the thinness of the posts. i look back and see that there have been pockets, months on end when i wouldn't post anything. i thought then that i wouldn't mind, but now i see that i sort of wonder whatever happened to me during those gaps. what was i thinking? how did i see myself, or the people around me? i can never really know for sure now.

i have lots of storylines in my head at any given time than i care to admit. like everytime i cross the busy domestic airport road in front of the office, my mind always goes into overdrive, seizing all those movie scenes i've seen where people get run over by cars. "Meet Joe Black" is a particular reference point: i guess i have work cut out for me to make myself as handsome as Brad Pitt in the event that some asshole runs me over. and oh yes, i can be gothic and vain at the same time.

in a few months i'll be thiry years old. three decades, man, three fucking decades. when i was ten i thought thirty year olds were ancient. now, the next person who'd say thirty is "advanced" is a candidate for castration-by-jeff.

take stock, take stock. count your blessings. live your life well and without malice. never give up, never give in. love like you've never been hurt before. la vita y bella rather than c'est la vie.

cliches, man, cliches. good at rhymes, bite-size chunks of wisdom, popular wisdom. easy to spew out, easy to chew on. for the madly in love, cliches explain everything. for the grief-stricken, cliches can save their sanity. but if the medium is the message, cliches and love songs tell us that the message can still be valid, given the right circumstances.

so i have learned never to take cliches for granted.

what else? ahhh...i don't like to travel much now. i'd much rather just stay home and play with the kids. or play Zuma. or wait for evening prayer time to come. for the rains to come. nothing much, nothing so significant. one time, me and the wifey just went to bayside and ate some fishballs till the sun set. total budget was around 50 bucks. but it was a blast!

i realize my life has been one hard life. getting married early and raising a family when i myself could help a little more raising, hehe. moving from one place to another, one job to another. lettign go of several dreams along the way, but finding out worthier new dreams to hang on to along the way. losing some friends, relatives, mentors.

i also realize i've had an amazingly lucky life. being at the right place and time to get scholarships, and later on, jobs. having absolutely loyal and loving friends and family. being blessed with the most beautiful kids one could ever wish for (okay maybe, a little less kulit would be useful, but where's the fun in that? hehe). finding a truly good person to be my wife.

even in times when i messed up, somehow, out of luck or sheer stubbornness, i've always been able to recover. "to live only by grace" can only half-explain it!

what's so great you ask? i am going to tell you and you listen well: what's great, my friend, is that after all, we can still become better persons, despite even ourselves.